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this post was submitted on 19 Nov 2023
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Thanks. Online school will be better for her anyway. She has really bad social anxiety and being in big public school crowds and classrooms full of rowdy kids was always hard for her. The excessive bullying was the thing that broke her and made us pull her out. I had to quit my job to oversee her online schoolwork, but she's more important than my job and we've survived on a single income before.
People might say "oh that will make her anxiety worse."
I can say, without hesitation, that going to public places and staying in public school did absolutely fuck all to help my anxiety of crowds.
Exposure therapy only works if you get consistent good feedback, and school is not the place where that happens.
Her anxiety is really bad. We went to a goodbye party for a friend and there were about 20 people there, and she didn't want to stay because the kitchen had too many people in it.
Man, I've literally done that.
Christmas parties at my grandparents house usually meant spending the entire day in the basement because there were too many people. For me It's usually not a number of people thing, but how many people are in a room relative to its size.
I do want to give you some good news though. Despite my persistent anxiety, I have recently discovered that it has made me incredibly resilient to sudden stressors I wasn't anxious of prior. I would not be surprised if your daughter builds the same resilience either. It won't be easy, nor intentional, but it is a small gift from it.
You never know what strengths you will gain from childhood adversity and I hope she gains some through the hardships she's experienced. And I think it is the same with her, it's more about how many people are in a room relative to its size, which is a big problem with my wife's family gatherings because she has a huge family, but she also has a lot of trouble with noise levels and with unfamiliar people, so she has a lot of issues when it comes to social anxiety.
I'm like that too and until recently I never knew why. Most of the time I was able to control it, but now that I'm in my 60's I just don't have the strength or desire to anymore.
If you haven't already you may want to check out ADHD in girls, as that's what I was diagnosed with 2 years ago.
She's already been diagnosed with it, so that is also a problem. That's why I would have quit my job to monitor her online school even if the school didn't require it. To keep her focused. She's on some (non-scheduled) medication for it and it helps, but not so much that she doesn't need help in school.
Incidentally, I just read this very interesting article about women with ADHD that someone posted on another Lemmy community- https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/nov/02/the-lost-girls-chaotic-and-curious-women-with-adhd-all-have-missed-red-flags-that-haunt-us
My daughter is a perfectionist when it comes to things she loves. She keeps throwing out her drawings because she thinks they're never good enough and she's a really good artist. That article sort of gives perspective on that. I'm going to read it to my daughter later and see if it makes her less likely to throw them out. She's thrown out whole sketchbooks that I've had to rescue from the trash.
You got this in hand then. She sounds like she's smart as a whip, and with parents who are devoted to her. She will do well I think.
Thanks. I sure hope so. It's been a rough ride.