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Linux for the Airheaded Layman?
(lemm.ee)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Linux is a family of open source Unix-like operating systems based on the Linux kernel, an operating system kernel first released on September 17, 1991 by Linus Torvalds. Linux is typically packaged in a Linux distribution (or distro for short).
Distributions include the Linux kernel and supporting system software and libraries, many of which are provided by the GNU Project. Many Linux distributions use the word "Linux" in their name, but the Free Software Foundation uses the name GNU/Linux to emphasize the importance of GNU software, causing some controversy.
Community icon by Alpár-Etele Méder, licensed under CC BY 3.0
There's your problem. Try Linux Mint.
Don't try to bite off more than you can chew. Start small and easy, with a beginner Linux distro, and once you've become really comfortable with that, you can try to move onto something less user friendly.
Downloading the ISO right now! I think that was routinely the case where I was "installing" Arch nearly every other day. I'll update how it goes once I get it up and running. Thanks for the suggestion :)