So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.
My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.
I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.
Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.
I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.
Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.
I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?
What you're describing is very common. We build barriers to self acceptance, but even when we finally break through them, they don't just disappear. They linger and hinder us for a while. Deconstructing those barriers is a project that takes time, self reflection, learning about yourself and self acceptance.
And what makes it worse is that once we chip a hole in them and see the other side, and realise that we can really genuinely be there, the fact that we're not there becomes harder to take, because those barriers were part of our self defence. They weren't healthy, but they existed to help mitigate the pain of the closet, and once they break, the pain of the closest is harder to bear.
You'll get there though, and it's worth it. Once you're on the other side, looking back at where you came from, you'll shake your head in wonder that you managed as long as you did like that
This really spoke to me. It makes a lot of sense and helps me better understand these emotions and defenses. Thank you so much :)
I've definitely been seeing just how depressed I was. I generally didn't think there was a way out and wasnt afraid to die. Didn't care if I died. But now I see what's on the other side and realize I can actually be happy but in order to do that I have to change. And change is really hard for me to be comfortable with