Hi, I'm quite new to queer circles. I'm going to lean towards bluntness for the sake of completeness and clarity, so whether or not it's needed, I'll add a:

content warning: discussion of attraction and sex/gendered characteristics, and mentions of trans invalidation/chasers

I'm currently learning more about the nuances of my sexuality, now that I've peeked outside my cave and suddenly entered a sexually active, progressive space.

Prior to this, most of my understanding of GSRM was theoretical, anonymous or through mass media. To paint a picture for you, I had a couple of tranwomen friends in person, but I hadn't (knowingly) met a transman, and through media I'd only seen those who were solidly masculine or hyper-masculine (think: cowboys in leather). And I didn't personally know of any enbies. I mention these because my limited exposure was still quite binary - transmen aiming for the same traditional masculinity that mainstream men are pressured into, and transwomen aiming for traditional femininity.

Speaking loosely, I'm generally attracted to some aspects of femininity and repulsed by some aspects of masculinity. That means, there are lots of cis women I'm attracted to, and a few cis men I'm attracted to - we're talking around 0-2%. I don't care what genitals are in your pants or your chromosomal test results, but the some characteristics I'm attracted to and repulsed by are correlated to sex.

That also means, when I'm now in a scene where lots of people are gender nonconforming, non-binary, trans binary and more, the less it makes sense to use simple or traditional descriptions. Take an example where I met two people at a party, dressed in onesies with cute feminine-coded patterns. Combined with the rest of their outfit and manner (lg style - pigtails, makeup, etc.), I'd consider them fem presenting and they appealed to my attraction to femininity. Only after the event, I learn one identifies as enby+transmasc and the other as genderfluid (they/him) - I only have those labels to go by as I haven't met them again in person and talked about their gender (is it even my business?). I also have another friend who self-describes as crossdressing when they play a doll persona (feminine name and presentation), and I clarified that I'm attracted to them as that persona and not as their daily self, which they're completely cool with. So I'm coming to terms with the idea that attraction doesn't have to be to an person all the time - a single person can change gender identity regularly and that can change when I'm attracted to them.

My main worry is that I don't want to risk invalidating a trans person's identity. If I simply describe myself as being attracted to femininity, or repulsed by masculinity (which is a decent brief description), but then later I tell a transmasc person I'm attracted to them, I worry they'd see that as me ignoring their gender, or they may even mistake me for trans chaser. I have heard trans men lament that they've repeatedly had casual partners in saunas openly admit they chase, and one has said they don't want to talk with bicurious and heteroflexible men because of this. So this isn't all in my head - there is a real concern that expressing my primary attraction to women could be invalidating to men I'm attracted to - even if I'm occasionally attracted to cis men! And simply saying I'm bi is only true for such a small number of cases that if feels like a technicality, like I'm misrepresenting myself.

Ultimately, I feel like the answer is, just don't describe my sexuality in terms of "masculinity" and "femininity", but describe the specific traits themselves. Easier said than done - for example, I only like cute men, but a woman doesn't have to be cute for me to like them.

But then again, I've found pushback around erring towards gender neutrality. I default to neutral pronouns for everyone, obviously including cis people, but I've heard that trans people may interpret my use of neutral pronouns for them as invalidating, unaware or unfazed that that I use neutral pronouns for everyone unless requested otherwise.

I'd appreciate your opinions, insight and comments, I'm comfortable with anything blunt or critical if you wish.