This is why critical fails are usually so much better than critical successes. Lean into that shit hard!

"P...please stop caressing me. I'm trying to kill you!"

"Oh, you don't like that? You don't like mommy's strong hands rubbing your orc back? You don't want this little barbarian dwarf melting all the stress of battle away from you? Go ahead and tell me you don't really want it, bitch!"

And that's how we got an orc pet to follow the party around!