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Anyone else just not get it?
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this post was submitted on 16 Jul 2026
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Autism
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I've found a working hypothesis that seems mostly true.
"No-one is the villain of their own story."
If someone seems to be doing something evil for no reason, you likely don't understand their reasoning. It might not be a good reason, from my perspective, but they will have a reason. Once you can figure out where your values differ, it often becomes obvious why they are acting that way.
My wife cheated on me.
She said she was terribly sorry and wanted to work to save the marriage. We went to individual counseling and then tried couples counseling. She derailed that session by lying almost right off the bat.
She promised nothing would ever happen again, but never took any steps to rebuild trust, other than to say, "Trust me Bro."
Fast forward 2 kids and 15+ years. She cheated again and has twisted everything around to be my fault. She made me the villain, so she doesn't have too feel guilty. But then she really believes her bullshit. Says she wants to try and work it out, but then refuses transparency and digs her heels in when I mention couples counseling.
This sucks. She has said some shit that totally took me by surprise. Like, how could she possibly believe the things she was saying. But she did it.
So now, I am 50 years old, have a 12 and 14 year old, and have to re-figure out my life.
I was so dumbfounded when she said the things she did. Like it broke my brain it was such bullshit.
Of course, she's not toxic, I am the one with all the issues.
Saying this sucks doesn't do it justice. I hope you end up on the other side of this better than you are now.
Hey I believe in you man. Shit like this can be hard in the moment, but youve still got yourself and your kids. There will be some hard days, but you can do it. As long as there's life there's hope and you're still here.
And your wife has this same view of the situation where she's not the problem.
None of that was about her reason. How did she make it your fault?
If that's just an excuse, a post-hoc justification, what do you think is the real reason?
Damn that sucks man. I'm sorry that happened to you. Just a reminder that your feelings are valid. You'll be OK at some point but it's absolutely normal to not be OK now.
My sympathies. I wish you strength in this sudden change in your life! ๐๐ซ
Ah, well, except for pathological issues like narcissists and psychopaths for example. There are quite a few people who do evil things and state that they do it because it's their right and privilege to do so.
But still, those are exceptions to the rule.
They might see themselves as privileged, but rarely as the villain. Narcissists see themselves as the hero, through a VERY distorted lens. Sociopaths don't get the empathy feedback making them the villain.
It's a good way to get a handle on their minds. How would it have to be twisted to make it seem either a non-issue or good.
E.g. the rich see money as closer to a score in a computer game. Blue shelling your brother in Mario Kart, just before the finish doesn't make you a villain. Similarly taking $50 dollars/month more from 10,000 families doesn't look bad. That's barely a trip to the pub! (The low income households involved would disagree massively).
I disagree, blueshelling your brother, makes you a monster.
Only if you're sure they wouldn't happily send a shell your way, were the situation reversed. That is a rare situation.
Narcissists see themselves as great and glorious, but they don't have to be good per se. Anyhow, nevermind discussing literally sick people ๐
That's basically what I mean. They don't see themselves as weak and helpless. They are the powerful hero main character. It might be an anti hero, but rarely a villain.
Very few people see themselves in a massively negative light (and function well). If your understanding of their motives requires themselves to be weak or evil, it's likely got serious flaws.
It really sucks to be an Autist. We often see us very negative due to the (unearned) negative feedback loop mostly stemming from misunderstandings.
Sorry for the derail.
As a fellow autistic, I fully feel you.
If it helps, I treat it like dancing. The moves don't make logical sense, but if you deviate too far, people get upset.
Also, counterintuitively, being both unapologetic and positive gets remarkably good results. NTs instinctively follow the group mindset. We struggle. If we set the default, they will often sync to us, particularly if it's a positive vibe. Also, NTs are very good at spotting mismatches. If you almost got, but not quite, you trigger uncanny valley effects. If you don't try and hide (all) your weirdness, they are often a lot more accepting. They don't pick up "lying creepy" vibes, with no context. It doesn't work with everyone, but it's become my default interaction mode.
I had a lengthy answer here, but being around NT with NT expectations sucks, as you know.
It's slowly shifted for me. It's now less "NTs suck" and more "NTs are boring". The weirdos of various persuasions are generally far more fun and interesting.
Counterpoint: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oIWJxGx1DBY
Yeah once you dispel the idea of the soul you have to admit that if you were in anyone else's position, like with their same upbringing and everything, that you would act exactly as they did.
The soul likely doesn't exist (outside our nervous system), with predetermination holding. At the same time, the lie of self determination is an extremely useful one, but as an individual, and as a society.
Do you mean both? to both individuals and societies?
I'm not sure I agree. I think much cruelty and misunderstanding is justified by the idea that someone could have chosen a different life.
I definitely think people can change for the better and we should encourage that, but I wonder if putting that all on them is even useful. To some it is, I'm sure, but ...
I dunno the thought is still cooking.
I'm fairly sure Bibi knows he is a monster.
They might, but is more likely their balance of what is important is shifted. Screwing over NPCs is not massively evil activity. Particularly if they assume they are just doing the same.