My girlfriend-at-the-time's dirty, dirty ass. Thought it would be like in my fantasies, where it tastes like candyfloss and smells like a Yankee candle. Nope. Shit. Just shit.

If you're curious, shit tastes exactly as it smells. I wish I didn’t know that. Although I'm happy that now you, too, know that.

And she had the nerve to dump me later. I deserve a Nobel peace prize for not recoiling in horror and instead just powering through in silence like a fucking GENTLEMAN.

On the bright side, it became a great way to ensure future partners were cognisant of the issue. I'd drop it into the usual "what was your ex like?" gossip sessions that come with new relationships. It's like saying "please wash your various holes if I'm gonna go rooting around in them like an ant-fiending aardvark" without actually saying it. A cautionary fable from days of yore to guide the next generation.

P.S. I'm still pro-anilingus. Just... clean the fuckin' thing first. I don't need to be picking dingleberries from between my teeth, thanks.