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this post was submitted on 04 Jun 2026
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Transfem
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This is super relatable. Maybe partly that the masc energy I used to tolerate is now actively irritating to me. Also I think there are friends that actually 'get it', and friends that are kind but don't really understand at all.
I have some cis women friends that go beyond acceptance, who actively celebrated my transition, encouraged me, took me shopping, taught me makeup, invited me into women's spaces with them. I've been finding myself desperately wanting to be around them (and my trans friends too) rather than with the "accepting but not understanding" groups.
(Sorry for the off-topic, but this resonated with me a lot in a completely different context. If not wanted, please remove.)
My fiancee is chronically ill and you really notice the friends who "get it" and those who don't. I've had this feeling with some of them and your description hits the nail on the head. As an example: at the moment she really can't go to social gatherings, the people who get her illness still invite her so she can decide for herself, the ones who don't get it don't invite her because "she can't come anyway".
(This is not a white cis guy implying that transitioning is like an illness, just that that the behavior of other people to a change in social dynamics reminded me of it.)
The distinction between people who "get it" and people who are kind but don't really understand actually resonates with me a lot.
I think I just realized that part of my discomfort isn't only about certain attitudes, but also about how I'm included in group dynamics now.
For example, I have a friend I've known since elementary school and who was my best friend for years. The last time we all got together, it felt like I was practically invisible while he was off with all the guys doing barbecue stuff. Meanwhile, another friend in the group (it was actually his birthday) kept talking to me and including me in conversations. His girlfriend did too.
Looking back, they were probably the only two people there who made me feel genuinely included. Maybe that's part of why some friendships feel different now.
My therapist told me that some of my relationships with people would change when I came out, some people would drift away, some people would get closer. So far I've been really lucky and everyone I care about has been supportive but I really treasure the people who've been actively celebrating the whole thing. But I think it's normal to have a shift.