i don't know, maybe some of you know the expirience or at least something similar. i was thinking about asking this on the more general trans comm, but .. idk.

i used to play the male part for most of my life. i soon discovered, i liked boys a lot. (also i did like girls, but that faded somehow. i have new theories abt that...). it took long to accept that, even longer to embrace it. but when i went to uni in another town, i did not want to hold anything back anymore: i was gayyyyy.

i think now, that i repressed a lot of my bisexuality in that move. i wanted to be that deviant boykisser. what did i like abt homosexual relations?

• hotties be hotties ofc.
• it was radical defiance of norms! (edgy, i know. but that's what it felt like. the drama is different)
• i wasn't expected to use my genitalia for penetration. (that i understand now)
• i was allowed, to be softer, more feminine in presence of gay men. (that too, i only see now)

i know and accept, that i am trans for 1,5 years now. i'm on hrt for 6 month and it was the right choice. over the last months i joked about being unsure how i felt being straight now. it's not a joke. it's ramping up in the last weeks. there is this first thing, that it's basically not true, that i am exclusively into men. but i come to understand that of all men it's the gay ones (the fruity ones to be precise) that i love, as friends and as partners.

i am afraid rn that i am closing that door. that gay space i called home for 15 years (or so) may still welcome me, but it won't be my space anymore. it's bad statistcs, but gay men treat me differently. (which means i look more and more fem? yay.) it is less flirty (in the "yeah we're all gay" way, not the sexual way). i can't really describe a thing yet that i only noticed when it stopped.

i am sad. i can not see me dating heterosexual men. i know bi men exist, and even some heteros are a little softer. but this is not so much about dating. i am not interested in that rn. it's more about the label and an image of oneself. i feel naked without that gayness.

i feel there is a specific gay expirience, when you have to ask yourself for the first time if it might be okay to show some affection (just a little) toward your crush/friend. to show weakness, to break out of your role. i feel this was an expirience that connected me with my partners in the past.

ok i am loosing my point. TL;DR: i am increasingly sad, that i am not gay anymore.

xoxo kluczyczka

(also, do i call myself ex-gay now, to annoy the biggots?)