Hi all,
I'm about 1.5 years into transition, started at age 31. I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been, and absolutely delighted by life now. I'm doing fantastically, I have a spouse who is my biggest fan and supporter, and we have a child together - My second biggest supporter.
I've alhad a really good relationship with my parents for most of my life. Maybe not incredible, but they did their best and it showed. They worked hard to provide for me and my siblings, and have been a safety net for us a few times even after moving out some 12 years ago.
The problem: my parents are conservative and very transphobic. Like, "dad posts stuff about 'men playing sports with girls' and means it" transphobic. "Stood up and walked out of the room, refused to talk to me when I came out" transphobic. They are loving and kind otherwise, and not particularly conservative in general. Just this one sticking point really, which makes it so much harder to comprehend.
When I came out to them, I had already made peace with the reality: My parents were likely to want me gone. I went in, not asking for acceptance but declaring my truth. I told them I wasn't going anywhere; That I was only leaving if they wanted me gone, and then they ... Proceeded to make it rather clear they wanted me gone, by never inviting us to anything besides major holidays, and refusing to just sit down and have a chat with me to try and understand or let me explain anything at all. Every time I've offered.
My dad is also a car guy. Built a garage in his yard with a lift in it, swaps vehicles almost yearly, always has an exciting new toy, car guy.
All my adult life of owning a vehicle, he's been the one to do any major work to it. So, when it started idling really roughly the other day, my heart skipped a beat as I remembered I would usually call him to talk about it.
So I did what made the most sense to me: I tied my hair back, put on my gloves and handy-ma'am hat, and dove in. I diagnosed the problem with some research, and learned I needed to clean the throttle body. Not a hard job, but a bit involved. Then I spent the next 3 hours doing just that - Going to the store, buying the stuff I needed to do it, taking things apart, cleaning them, putting them back together.
I crank it, and it works!... And I was quite suddenly hit by the weight of three emotions:
- Happy: Overjoyed, ecstatic that I did that! I did it all, me!
- Angry: I didn't have to call my dad, I didn't need anyone's help - I DID IT. ME. WHO NEEDS A DAD ANYWAY!?
- Hurt: ... I can't even call him to share my excitement. I didn't need his help to do it, why does it feel like I need his validation on the matter?
... And I realized from there that I'm not sure what to do about it. I've already cried and held my spouse, talked them through it - that's step one: let myself feel the feelings.
But, what do I even do from here? Any ideas to help when this kind of thing happens? How do the rest of y'all with unsupportive parents handle the feeling of a need for validation?
(TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS SUICIDE!!)
Im so sorry to see you dealing with this, although congraties on putting on your big girl pants and getting it done.
I dont talk to my parent(s), and havent for a really long time. I grew up without my dad (he self deleted when i was 4), and part of me has wondered and maybe still wonders if i am who i am and being trans because of that and growing up without him.
After that, we were truly a broken family. For a time my mom tried to hold it together, until i was about 9, then she stopped caring. It wouldve been easy for her to get us therapy or something but whatever. My mom was making about 6k a month in 2008, then the crisis hit. My mom got pissed at the world and her kids, and started drinking and abusing us. Think like daily fist fights in our house, and more than a couple of attempts on her life by my blood sister. Lots of mental health issues i guess lol.
I was less prone to violence like that. But i got the feeling my mom HATED me and HATED having me around. I looked too much like dad. She couldnt handle it. So most times i was either kicked out of the house and not allowed back or i was in a cop car because she wants me gone (but i live there!). And you know, teenage "boy" complaining about home life? Cops did not give a single shit
Not to mention the rascism and transphobia, homophobia. Pretty much hatred for anything not pure straight and white (🤢🤮🤮🤮) and i couldve easily followed that path. But i saw firsthand what hate gets people.
Listen cause heres the point of this. After everything and all the years of abuse and not talking to my mom for close to a decade, i STILL want to call her sometime. It hurts, not having a mom but knowing shes around. I know she wouldnt accept me but i still wish there was a world where she did. Anybody who tells you parental estrangement is easy is fucking lying. I use old texts from her to remind me of why i dont talk to her.
I guess im saying its not easy. If you can find some like minded people or some of the people in this wonderul community to share with, thats what im going for (me and Nissa are texting now ❤️)
And you ever have anything you want to share or talk about, my inbox is always open, and ill always do my best to answer in a timely manner
Stay safe, know youre loved by everyone here, and we all would love to here the things youd usually call about ❤️