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this post was submitted on 28 Mar 2026
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No Stupid Questions
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I completely understand your logic there, but I'm not sure it's something I can become accustomed to. I feel like I've got a similar viewpoint with the idea of death at least, the inevitability of things passing, but my issue seems more the idea of my own inadequacy, the fear I may not deserve connection with other people.
What does "adequate" mean? Serious question.
That would be the standard unshakable idea that I need to meet a certain approval criteria that will mean I'm worth love and care. It's not valid, but I'm well aware it's in there.
Who is telling you that you need to meet a certain criteria, other than yourself?
Well that's the inbuilt thoughts from a troubled childhood. It's not anything special, pretty stock standard parental neglect
It's also a story you tell yourself, which is only as true as much as you believe it. Why do you hold onto that story? Why not make up a different, perhaps more positive story? It'll only be as true/false as the one you currently tell yourself.
Flip the perspective. For example, you felt like the issues with your partner could be worked on and they didn’t work on them, they just left. So rather than wondering if you deserve a connection with them, consider if they deserve a connection with you. You’re putting work into the relationship, trying to figure things out, and they didn’t put in that effort. If they aren’t willing to put in the effort for you, then they don’t deserve a relationship with you. Surround yourself with people who value and work for a relationship with you. I don’t mean this in like a “test people to see how much they’ll put up with” way, but in a “find people who match the effort and care that you put into the relationship”
If you approach a relationship from the perspective of not being good enough and having to always earn their love and care then you’re always going to give too much and try to take something they can’t give you (self love)
Also, try to remember that you’re going through a rough time right now. The pain of the relationship ending is still raw, so of course everything else is going to feel more shit too. Keep moving forward, working on and caring for yourself. It will get better, so don’t give up
You are absolutely correct, I suppose it's gotten a bit weird because the relationship was super odd regarding the intentions communicated vs the actual work put in. It was made things very muddy and it's hard to understand my part in what went wrong, and reflect on if and what I need to change regarding my own behaviour. I don't think I've experienced a situation where everything got this messy before.
Of course you deserve it. What happened with me is, I started noticing things that before I was too caught up in my feels to notice. For example, mean girls/boys are just another sort of "pick me."
You absolutely deserve connection with others, we all do. There's an expectation that you and I have that really hurts us and makes that hard to accept though. I wish I had more concrete or resonating advice to give. Honestly it was a lot of therapy and work just to get to where I am.
You deserve connection and you deserve love.