99
Which high school friend took a path you didn't expect?
(lemmy.world)
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
this post was submitted on 08 Feb 2026
99 points (100.0% liked)
Ask Lemmy
38060 readers
1358 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
She dumped you because she didn't know how to respond to a guy legitimately caring about her, and then she married an abuser to relive her trauma.
I never said her intergenerational trauma doesn't matter, but whenever my intergenerational trauma has caused me to make bad decisions, I've never received any sympathy. People just say I'm responsible for my own decisions and can't blame my present conditions on the circumstances of my past.
I've seen it happen all the time where women stay with their abusers, and take their anger out on anyone who tells them they deserve better. And yet they blame men as a generalized, abstract category for all the ways they've been mistreated by particular men, sparing no reflection for the selection bias at play.
Saying "women choosing to date abusive men is a problematic choice" isn't misogyny. Pretending they have no agency in who they decide to date is.
Don't be a cuck.
Cry me a river. Being treated badly isn't a good or valid reason to treat others badly.
And you're definitely not doing the same thing to women (blaming them as a generalized, abstract category) when you speak like this, got it, sure, sure.
Man, this couldn't get any more sad and funny at the same time. Whew, thanks for the laugh.
But seriously, you really need to learn to let go of that pain and try to not blame the opposite gender at large for what you see as perceived failures on their part. If you have only ever experienced women saying your intergenerational trauma is your own problem... you might be just as guilty of the "sin" of choosing to pursue the wrong type of person as you claim women are.
I personally have had loads of supportive and loving women in my life, so it's hard for me to wrap my mind around this mindset. Maybe I'm just lucky, or maybe it has something to do with me not making generalized statements about women in general instead of accepting them all as unique, flawed individuals just as much as anyone else, including myself.
Dude, you're being really based here
Thank you kindly for the compliment.
You could say the same to women who use their trauma as an excuse to berate men.
Maybe there are some who don't act like that, but at least online they seem ubiquitous. Hence the famous "man or bear" question, and basically every thread that's ever existed in a feminist space online. I'm simply reporting the evidence of my eyes and ears.
At the very least, if women give themselves a free pass to make sweeping generalizations about men, then I don't want to hear any grandstanding about how I'm supposedly generalizing about them when I say it's a common occurrence.
If a woman chooses to date abusive men, that's a failure on her part. Acknowledging that they have a responsibility in that decision isn't "blaming the opposite gender at large," and the fact that it's so taboo to even point this out is problematic.
I don't pursue anyone anymore, because women have made it clear that they don't want to be pursued. The only guys left pursuing women are the ones who don't respect boundaries, and what that means for natural selection is fairly easy to guess. Assholes will reproduce, and "losers" like me will perish. You'll get the day you asked for when all the "nice guys" are gone.
Even if I did choose to only pursue women who don't blame me for the sins of all men everywhere, her friends and the rest of society would just say I chose her because I picked her out as "an easy target" who "doesn't stand up for herself," because they'll always assume my intentions are predatory and never simply "wow, she's an introvert just like me. She likes books, I like books. She doesn't like parties, I don't like parties. We could really work together!"
Well, look at you! You must be well-adjusted, maybe conventionally attractive, certainly in possession of social skills. You might have a good sense of humor, a charming personality. In any case, you're probably generally likeable. You probably had plenty of women in your life growing up, and some positive male role models as well. Likely plenty of opportunities to interact with your peers and develop socially in an organic way.
What about someone who was homeschooled and isolated growing up, kept in a conservative bubble and fed lies about "evil liberals," sheltered, brainwashed, and gaslit about what's true or false? No opportunities to interact with peers, to develop social skills in an organic way the way most people do during the formative years of their development.
What if the only women in one's life was one's own mother, and the occasional visit from an aunt or two, all conservative? What if the only male role models were narcissists with exploding tempers, and an older brother with abusive tendencies?
What about when that person finally enters the world and attempts to socialize, with no basic social skills to go off of, and is immediately singled out, ostracized, bullied, and universally disliked?
And then that person goes on to become an adult. Do you think they'll just magically develop social skills and become well-adjusted, simply because they're legally an adult now and are expected to have a minimum level of "maturity," or what the general consensus dubs "maturity"?
Go on, and blame me for having no friends. Go ahead and blame more for having no healthy relationships, no supportive women in my life, no positive role models to look up to and emulate.
Go ahead and fucking blame me, I don't care. It's just fucking typical. I've been putting up with that my whole life. It comes as no surprise.
Sounds like you've gone down tbe blackpill/incel rabbit hole, hopefully these videos might help. You should also at least read books such as cPTSD by Pete Walker if you're not looking for therapy, which is for everyone.
Dating Advice that applies to everyone
Debunking the toxic manosphere
Seriously man, and I say this with no ill-intent or judgment, you need a therapist. This is way too much for me, an internet stranger, to unpack. I go to therapy for chronic depression that I had long before I was diagnosed with cancer when the depression got worse. I often feel like the universe taunts me by giving me everything I've ever dreamed of and then slapping it out of my hands and pointing and laughing. I'm not blaming you for anything, but we all have time to grow and the ability to grow and change and not be the person we were raised to be with the limitations placed on us. I was sent to an extremely small private Baptist school where the only "friends" I had were the same 18 kids from kindergarten to middle school, and I was mostly bullied and ostracized by them. My mother was overbearingly Christian and lacked education herself and had trauma from losing her first children to being kidnapped by her ex-husband which led her to being overly controlling because she would panic about losing us the same way. My extended family was similar to yours, it sounds like as well. I am by no means conventionally attractive and have been overweight the majority of my life.
Our experiences and trauma don't define us. The pain and problems we suffered aren't what make us who we are unless we allow them to. That bitterness you hold for it all, that deep contempt for a world where you assume everyone is going to reject you or judge you before even giving them the chance to do so is a choice, even if it doesn't feel like one. I just try to let such judgments roll off my back, because they will always be there, there will always be someone else judging us or rejecting us. I learned that in high school when I found out there was some kid who hated me and thought I got all the attention from women because of one of my few friends who even had a boyfriend who wasn't me. It made no sense because she was just my friend and was dating someone else, and it just made me laugh, because it was so patently absurd.
The only blame I can lay at your feet is your unwillingness to be open to the opportunity for things to be different instead of crawling inside a shell of self-protection by rejecting others before they can reject you, and even then I can understand why your trauma makes that hard. It's been hard for me in similar ways, but I promise you life is easier if you don't do that. I promise that you don't have to reject everyone to protect yourself, and that you're doing yourself more harm and disservice by doing so than you would by being open to the opportunity for something good to happen for once.
What probably makes me the saddest is how much how you speak reminds me of my longest-lived relationship, and the one that troubles me the most about it ending, where she felt like no one would ever love her and people would always judge her for her mental health problems and she had endless panic about being abandoned. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove to her she was worth loving, and that she shouldn't let people's judgments impact her, and that I wasn't going to abandon her. You deserve someone who gives you that kind of effort and time as well, but if you don't allow someone giving you that kind of time and effort to allow yourself to grow and accept that things could be better, try to change your outlook, you will end up still bitter and blaming the world just like she does, which is what ultimately ended our relationship. I worry for her a lot still.
I've been in therapy. I understand the tools and techniques. I've done CBT, DBT, ACT, and others. I've been in residential programs, inpatient, intensive outpatient, regular outpatient, you name it. It can give me a place to vent, get me geared up with tools and excited to start again, a new start, a fresh day, whatever.
But when I go back into society with all my tools from therapy, I still get the same response as always. People don't like me, they never have and they never will. And I got tired of being gaslit by my therapists that my problems were all in my head and I just need to reframe them.
I've had a decade of adulthood to "grow," and I focused intensely on self-help, personal growth, all that stuff. I followed every avenue I could find. And at the end of it all, people only thought it made me self-absorbed. Any social skill I've tried to learn and practice, people sense the unnaturalness and think I'm being a manipulator with some sort of dark psychology techniques. No, it read about "mirroring" and stuff like that in books on interpersonal communication and conflict resolution. Not some narcissist's field manual.
So I have two choices: be awkward and cringe, but genuinely awkward and cringe; or try to be normal, but in a contrived and inauthentic way. I cannot be genuinely normal. That option is not available to me.
Sorry about the traumas you've faced, and I'm glad you could come out on top of it. But you need to recognize that you're the exception rather than the rule. You can't expect everyone to turn out well just because you did.
I spent most of my early twenties as a recluse. I spent my mid-twenties trying to overcome my social anxiety, social ineptitude, and generally trying to integrate into society. I was constantly buffeted by judgement and ill-will, but for years I didn't let it keep me down. I kept trying. I was persistent.
By my mid-to-late twenties, it began to seem insurmountable, my frustrations grew, challenges escalated, and I started cracking. I think there were also some external factors like being doxxed/cybergangstalked, threatened, harassed, gaslit, and all kinds of nastiness. I couldn't prove anything so my doctors called it psychosis.
Anyway, my anxiety reached a crescendo and I began regularly fighting panic attacks. A couple breakdowns later I had my first trip to the mental hospital, which was only more traumatizing. I've been in others since which were more professional, but I'm fairly certain that first one was torturing me (both physically and psychologically) under cover of "treatment."
It was the beginning of a long, slow spiral. I fought to stay afloat all along the way, but things only got worse the more I fought it, like quick sand. It was a long tumble, with plenty of bumps all along the way. I even got arrested at one point for "disorderly conduct" while having an acute psychological episode.
Anyway, several trips to the psych ward later, multiple times in residential therapy, I've given up on thrashing. I don't go in public anymore. I don't even go to the fucking grocery store, say what you will but I get them delivered.
I'll probably never be able to get hired again, even without the apocalyptic nosedive the job market is taking. Even if I could convince someone to hire me, I probably wouldn't be able to hold a job for very long.
I've spiralled too far to try to make a recovery, especially when for every five steps I try to climb, I end up falling thirty. Don't try to give me hope, I don't need that poison.
Yeah, the person you describe in your last paragraph sounds like me. But it's a lot less endearing to be a man and need constant reassurance. Women like that have a chance. I don't.
I already am, dude.
I can tell. I tried to be supportive and understanding here instead of just ragging on you, which I definitely could have. You have rejected it out of hand with excuses of why it just makes sense for you to be bitter and hateful. I don't know what else to tell you. That's on you.
Also, I definitely don't think I'm the exception rather than the rule considering how many men I know who have had similar traumas and are also well adjusted adults who don't blame the whole world for their problems.
If people can't blame the world for their problems, then why the fuck should any of us care about systemic oppression? It's the same logic. Blame the people who suffer for their own conditions.
If my problems don't matter, then no one's do. Or am I some special exception where everyone else's problems matter except mine?
It's absolutely not the same logic. You not being able to get loving people in your life as an individual because of a bad attitude and outlook is not in any way the same as systemic oppression. You are not being systemically oppressed because your shitty outlook and attitude makes you not likeable. You not having people who like you in your life is not anything like people being kidnapped in the streets for being the wrong race or having the wrong politics, being denied legal counsel, food, water, or reasonable living facilities and then being disappeared to a country they've never been to. The comparison is honestly laughable.
You're desperately looking for any way to justify being an angry bitter sad sack. I don't know what to tell you.
Mate, I may or may not be qualified to diagnose anyone and don't know this person intimately, but they're giving off serious cluster B vibes. You can't argue logic with a cluster B personality that doesn't want to hear it. There's the world we live in and there's the world they fabricate, and the harder you push them toward reality, the deeper they delve into their denial of it.
Am I unlikeable because I'm bitter or am I bitter because I'm unlikeable?
It's the first one, I promise. The second one is just the excuse you give yourself. It's a choice you're making to be bitter and unlikable, as much as you want to pretend it's not.
Okay, then I'll go back in time and tell my five-year-old self that it's actually my fault that I'm being picked on, that I'm just genuinely unlikeable and need to stop being bitter.
Maybe then I'll earn my dad's approval, and everyone who's taken advantage of me, bullied me, or treated me like a pushover ever since will magically respect me.
You're an adult, and you don't change it by telling your child self that, you change it by having some fucking self respect and not blaming every person who has mistreated you for why you should never trust or be kind to anyone else ever. Your own inability to accept your own lack of boundaries when it comes to being taken advantage of or treated like a pushover is evidence of that. I've been hurt too, but I also see when I made mistakes, didn't set clear boundaries, and how that impacted the situations a great deal. I have also seen when my own bad attitude has led people to dislike me, and so I dropped the bad attitude, because it hurt me more than helped me, and honestly, I'm much happier for it. You really ought to try it sometime.