I just feel so fucking alone. I'm struggling to get the help I need and I am broke and it makes me feel like such a loser. I struggle with getting attention from women anyway.

I'm just an average tech nerd with chronic myeloid leukemia who spends his time on dumb little tech projects. I have been too depressed lately to find joy in things I used to like watching movies/tv, playing video games, and reading books. I can stay focused on rolling out servers and scripts to pass the time but it doesn't bring me joy anymore.

I know this isn't what anyone wants to hear, but it's real. I'm broken. I need real loving support for the first time in my life, which I have never had. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay even if we both know it's not.

I swear I'm an interesting person with a wide variety of interests and thoughtful things to say. I have just been crying all day after having one more avenue of potential help shut in my face because my life isn't fucked up enough yet to justify helping me.

Sorry, I know no one wants to deal with someone like this I don't know why I'm posting except desperation to be seen, heard, and loved.

Sometimes it really feels like it would just be easier to let my cancer kill me.

I have never really had real support from anyone in my life, ever. No one who really stood up for me or was there when I needed support and understanding the most. My longest-term ex treated me like I was her caretaker, even after I was diagnosed with cancer, which was a much more severe problem than any of her issues. She would make my cancer all about how it made her feel and ignore how I felt. My family like my mother and sister have consistently acted like I'm just a burden.

I feel lucky that Medicaid has covered my treatment so far, but I'm probably going to lose access to Medicaid in 2027 because I'm not considered disabled.

I have been trying to change that and trying to get cash assistance because I have been flat broke for months and I am staying with my elderly mother who holds kicking me out into the street over me like a weapon. She doesn't care I have no options and did nothing at all to be saddled with this cancer, I should "have done more with my life." I have done ten times more with my life than she did with hers, but because the system rewarded her and fucked me that's my fault apparently. I wish she had done more with her life so she hadn't treated me like a burden that was always dead last in her priorities my entire life. I resent this fucking house and I've told her that for two decades because this house that she lives in to keep up with the Joneses and can't actually afford to upkeep or live in (living beyond her means) was more important to her than me. Living here alone for 20 years without ever taking on a roommate so she could have some money saved for things like the entirely new septic system she just had to put in because the 70 year old one she had never done maintenance on finally failed catastrophically. She has the gall to complain about how she wishes she had her place to herself again to someone who has lived with roommates and in apartments by other people's rules his whole life. I've barely been here a year, I don't do anything except sit in my room and try not to use electricity or heat other than my computer. I don't ask her for money, I buy all my food from food stamps (which I might lose soon too because of the new work requirements). I don't see how me being in a room in the corner of the basement which accounts for less than 1/10th the total size of the house which has six fucking functional bedrooms as well as a huge living room, kitchen, laundry room, workbench area, and storage is so fucking intrusive when she has the whole upstairs (three of six rooms/kitchen/living room/bathroom upstairs).

I keep getting the runaround at DSHS and I could be waiting years for my Social Security disability claim to go through even though I am being represented by a local law firm that specializes in disability claims. I am running so far behind on the few bills I have of my own and I owe my mother so much money for bills and it's just piling up and I feel nauseous from the anxiety daily and can't stop crying.

It's bad enough feeling like my country doesn't care if I live or die, but to do it all alone without a partner who has my back is maddening. All I want is to hold someone and be held by someone who will kiss me and tell me it's all going to be okay even if that's them just comforting me and they know it's not true. Having someone that I feel close to.

I just feel so fucking alone in all this and I'm so sick of online dating because I'm embarrassed to try to meet women in public because my life is a mess and I hate matching with women and sending introductory messages and then just never even have them read the response let alone respond. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking invisible. I'm so tired of feeling worthless to everyone in this world. I see so many people torn up about their relationships with people who treat them like crap and it makes me crazy because I am so desperate to be loved and have so much love to give and it's heartbreaking that people are being hurt by people who don't even love them and I can't even find someone to give my love to.

I'm just so alone and I'm so sick of being alone and lost and feeling hopeless and unloved and worthless. Worthless to my family, worthless to my country, unworthy of being loved.

It just feels like it would be so much easier to just let my cancer kill me. I don't know what else to do anymore. All I do is spend all my time alone staring at the computer and doing nothing but scrolling Lemmy and making dumb comments to try to pass the time and it's killing me. I need to feel worth something to someone or I seriously think I'm on the verge of truly giving up.

Sorry for the disjointed ramble. I haven't slept much in days and have been crying all day after being politely told to essentially go fuck myself in terms of getting help at DSHS earlier today.

Don't be weird, don't be mean
You're on my computer screen
It's my world, it's my life
I'm a person
Please be nice

I don't even know who you are
Please be nice it's really not that hard

EDIT: Thanks for everyone's kind words and support. I'm not sure how to reply to most of them, but just know I read all of them. I will be seeking out therapy and figuring out what's right for me this week. Thanks so much.

I hope this is the right place for this.

So, I've been having conversations with some of my trans-friends that have been making me think about things in my life.

Let's start with background.

When I was little, I always knew I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be a girl so badly, even from when I was like six years old. Part of it was certainly that I was treated differently than my sister and made to feel guilty for being a boy because I was "just like my father" which is an insane thing to dump on a six year old. Yet, part of it was also sincere. I remember once my mom told me to be careful what I wished for or I just might get it and I spent months wishing I was slowly turning into a girl, just telling myself the process would be slow but I just had to keep wishing and praying for it. I remember a friend telling me about a video game they had that included a station for brewing potions and I was secretly obsessed with trying to find a gender changing potion (surely not in the game, but I was a kid who just wanted it to be real).

When I was 12 my mom caught me putting on my sisters clothes and put the fear of God in me and told me to never do it again, like she did with most things she didn't understand when it came to me. I stopped trying to do it, and I remember feeling very conflicted and crying a lot about giving up my dream of becoming a girl.

In high school though, I would often crossdress for Halloween, lied to myself and others and that it was just a fun silly thing to do. (To be clear my mother was around a lot less in high school so I was able to hide the fact that I did this from her) But if it was just for fun why did I slather my whole body with Nair to be more feminine? Why did I feel so good about how I looked in that one dress? Why did I spend so long gazing in the mirror and loving the feeling and wanting it to be real?

As an adult, I realized I was always more excited about pretty dresses and buying them for my girlfriends than they were about them. That I was more excited by the trappings of femininity than they were, and that maybe deep down it was because I was trying to live vicariously through them.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, though, and I didn't even really know that being trans and transitioning was even really an option until I was pushing into my late twenties when I first started realizing trans people existed and had existed. I have always felt an affinity for the trans community, obviously, because to an extent I understood the experience.

But for 20 years I have spent my time making excuses for why I can't or won't consider the idea that I'm trans. "I'm too tall. I'm going bald (starting balding in my twenties). My hands and feet are too big. My hips are to narrow, my chest too deep. I'm too hairy. I would be an ugly woman and I want to be pretty, not ugly. I'll end up alone and unloved." I guess only more recently it hit me that if I'm making excuses for why I can't do it, then somewhere it means that I do want to do it still. That dream never really went away. The desire to be pretty and feminine never stopped, I just hid it away really well and constantly told myself that this was the body and life I had and that I had to get over it.

I'm in the USA, and I know this is pretty much the worst time to be reckoning with these feelings, but as I already have cancer, already am on the path to trying to get on disability, and already am on Medicaid, which the plan I am on in my state (Washington) covers a large portion of the aspects of transitioning (HRT, hair removal, facial feminization surgery, body contouring surgery, top surgery, and bottom surgery) it feels like it could be the last chance I have to stop telling myself excuses for why I can't be who I always wanted to be.

Part of it is I had one of my friends convincing me to try one of those gender-swap faceapps where they still adhere to your actual face shape, and my god, I was on the verge of tears, I didn't look ugly like I thought I would. I ended up staring at it for hours and looking at my face from every angle and wondering why I had lied to myself about the possibility of being pretty.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get it out and there and maybe field advice from the community. I'm seeing my psychiatrist this week and I'm going to ask her if the agency I'm at has any counselors who specialize in gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia. I figure I may as well talk to a professional about it for a while to try to come to more clear conclusions.

Does anyone have advice for someone in their mid-forties finally exploring this for real and trying to decide if it's for them? I know it won't solve all my problems, I know it won't magically make me happy when I have had chronic depression all my life from other trauma I have experienced... I just, I don't know, I'm going through a lot of changes in my life anyway due to my cancer and having to start my life over, part of me feels like maybe I should start it over the way I actually want to, then.

I hope this wasn't too long of a ramble, and I appreciate anyone who hears me out and cares to tell me anything that would be helpful, supportive, or make me feel more at ease at the idea or transitioning so late in life while my country wants to make what I desire even harder to achieve.

Shamelessly stolen from you know where

wee woo wee woo wee woo

[Intro: Devi McCallion]
Programming like this
Is made possible
By viewers like you!

[Verse 1: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Every day, every day, I'm so fucking freaked out
Every day, every day, I can't get the evil out
Every night I feel so far away
Someday, someday
Will it ever be okay?

Every day, it's a brand new episode
Every day, I guess we'll see just how far it goes
Every day, it seems like no one sees and no one knows
Every day, I kinda wanna cancel the show

[Pre-Chorus: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Most days I just feel like I'm making it up
Call off the show
I pray to god that I'm just making it up
I don't wanna go to the show!

[Chorus: Ada Rook]
I wish this was just a cartoon so I could be like
"This is real as fuck, I love the way they don't give up!"
Tweet about it, "more stories like this, so important!"
But it really happened
Oh god, it really happened!

[Spoken: Devi McCallion & Ada Rook]
"So, uh, I have this idea for like, a cartoon or something.."
"Uh-huh."
"And, it's like.. There's these fucked up kids..."
"Uh-huh."
"And like, through the power of uh..."
"Understanding!"
"Yeah! It could totally be like, understanding, or like, forgiveness or something..."
"Uh-huh."
"They like, overcome all their fears, and in the end, they turn out to be like, fine.."
(Both laughing)

[Bridge: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Aaaaaghhhhh!
What the fuck!
What the...
I wanna do that again, yeah

[Verse 2: Devi McCallion]
Every day, it's another new episode
Every day, slice a bit more meat off the bone

[Pre-Chorus: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
I can feel the evil in me
I'm such a faker really
Meat off the bones...
Crisis line, all agents busy
I feel so guilty
Meat off the...

[Outro: Ada Rook & Devi McCallion]
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!

[Intro: Devi McCallion]
Programming like this
Is made possible
By viewers like you!

[Verse 1: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Every day, every day, I'm so fucking freaked out
Every day, every day, I can't get the evil out
Every night I feel so far away
Someday, someday
Will it ever be okay?

Every day, it's a brand new episode
Every day, I guess we'll see just how far it goes
Every day, it seems like no one sees and no one knows
Every day, I kinda wanna cancel the show

[Pre-Chorus: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Most days I just feel like I'm making it up
Call off the show
I pray to god that I'm just making it up
I don't wanna go to the show!

[Chorus: Ada Rook]
I wish this was just a cartoon so I could be like
"This is real as fuck, I love the way they don't give up!"
Tweet about it, "more stories like this, so important!"
But it really happened
Oh god, it really happened!

[Spoken: Devi McCallion & Ada Rook]
"So, uh, I have this idea for like, a cartoon or something.."
"Uh-huh."
"And, it's like.. There's these fucked up kids..."
"Uh-huh."
"And like, through the power of uh..."
"Understanding!"
"Yeah! It could totally be like, understanding, or like, forgiveness or something..."
"Uh-huh."
"They like, overcome all their fears, and in the end, they turn out to be like, fine.."
(Both laughing)

[Bridge: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
Aaaaaghhhhh!
What the fuck!
What the...
I wanna do that again, yeah

[Verse 2: Devi McCallion]
Every day, it's another new episode
Every day, slice a bit more meat off the bone

[Pre-Chorus: Ada Rook, Devi McCallion]
I can feel the evil in me
I'm such a faker really
Meat off the bones...
Crisis line, all agents busy
I feel so guilty
Meat off the...

[Outro: Ada Rook & Devi McCallion]
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!

I see way more posts complaining about Windows users complaining about switching to Linux than I have ever actually seen of Windows users actually complaining about switching to Linux.