My Dear Ebeneezer,

It has come to my attention that in the seven years since my untimely demise, you have become an increasingly greedy and insufferable twat. I must strongly advise you against this. First, because I do not wish you to walk the earth bound by the chains of your own sins, in penance, as I have. Second, I wish to spare you the agony of sitting through three separate hour-long presentations that could have been an email. Lastly, the villagers have begun singing songs about what a bad person you are when they think you're not listening. They didn't even do that to me when I was still alive. Once again, I implore you to immediately cease being a greedy, insufferable twat for your own sake.

Most Regretably Yours,

Jacob Marley