Sister’s boyfriend genuinely struggles with understanding gender identity, kind ways to help?? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by AuroraGlamour@lemmy.ml to c/kindnesskommunityalt

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(I don’t mean to make a whole saga of my life, I just wanted to talk about this.)

My (24F) sister Lena (14F), for anyone who hasn’t seen my previous posts, has a boyfriend named Dominic (16M).

Dominic has dealt with his ex James (16FtM). Dominic keeps calling James by his deadname because he doesn’t like James. He eventually blocked James and rarely mentions him.

“I will properly name and gender people who don’t abuse me”.

I wouldn’t say Dominic has zero empathy, but it’s definitely not a strong suit of his. Dominic, I hate to say this, kind of reacts to gender the way a 65-year-old dad with little experience on transgender would react if his kid was trans or something.

Dominic tries to understand, in other words, but doesn’t. I want to educate him, but I feel rude doing so, even though I will correct him sometimes. He will say stuff like “Sara is a trans girl, so she is actually a boy but now she is a girl.” I can tell that he tries to understand, just not with people he hates like James. But he does try to understand with most people like “Sara” in the example.

He has a good heart. He’s really a good kid, he just fails to empathize or understand sometimes.

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[-] Lumelore 5 points 2 months ago

Did Dominic date James pre-transition and then break up once he came out?

If so, he may have internalized homophobia and doesn't want to recognize that he dated a boy. He may want to think "James is actually a girl, so I am not gay" and that's why he deadnames and misgenders him.

If not, then I'm not sure why he thinks that way. If you want help explaining it to him, my experience as a trans woman is that I've always had a girl brain despite being amab. Yes, I used to present masculinely but I was still operating with a feminine brain. Swedish fish put into a sour patch kids box are still swedish fish even though the exterior packaging was incorrect, or in other words, my brain is and always has been a girl's brain despite being put into boy's packaging.

Also I appreciate you trying to increase others' understanding of trans people btw :)

[-] AuroraGlamour@lemmy.ml 5 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Did Dominic date James pre-transition and then break up once he came out?

He dated James pre-transition and broke up after he cheated on him.

If so, he may have internalized homophobia and doesn’t want to recognize that he dated a boy. He may want to think “James is actually a girl, so I am not gay” and that’s why he deadnames and misgenders him.

He says he does it because James cheated and bullied him. Oddly, he has dated guys before and used to be bi before he said men were toxic to him and he didn’t like them anymore.

my brain is and always has been a girl’s brain despite being put into boy’s packaging.

Correct!! :3

this post was submitted on 11 Jun 2025

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