My prediction begins with a confession, for I have sinned. Seven years ago a younger, more foolish me purchased a small sum of Bitcoin out of curiosity. I had forgotten about this until just recently, when I found an old notebook where I had recorded the keys to access the accursed asset. The news about the price peaking after the election made me decide to take at least some advantage out of the result, so I cashed out, earning a tidy profit, which I dutifully reported to the state revenue service.

My prediction for the rest of the year is that as a penance for my transgression, I will spend the ill-gotten gains from my destructive action to poison my body and mind with concoctions of ethanol.