I got new socks with cat eyes on them and stretching them out is really funny

I'm not sure why I can't handle my dad drinking anymore. Maybe I never really was able to handle it since the last few years weren't really that good either. But this year it just like. At least last year I was kind of able to relax and get my mind off of stuff for brief moments? Not always, but usually. But this year, especially last month or two. I just really can't relax. I can't watch a movie or show or play something or whatever without being worried of something bad happening. So I'm usually just really doing nothing but waiting and waiting. I can't really even do things like meditate anymore.

Like I don't know, it just would be nice to not worry about tomorrow anymore. Guess I'll also note this down for my therapist later on. Like I was doing more or less okay when my dad was sober, but now days each time he's not, it does bring out this extreme reaction inside of me, sort of like panic but not exactly. I dunno, I hate this. I just want to be able to relax and not worried of something bad happening the next day.

Sure you don't approve of drone striking or killing civilians as you support said actions indirectly in the name of killing "terrorists" or bringing "democracy". Maybe use those critical thinking skills of yours and think for a moment? Maybe you should go read about all the american atrocities that america does when it is bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists" like Abu Ghraib for starters. It sure is "strange" how these atrocities keep happening every time america out bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists". I wonder why that could be?

Also america pretty authoritarian, and it's weird that criticism and critical thinking seems to stop as soon as we reach authoritarian countries like America. I mean it's not like america is the home of mass shooting, the genocide of indigenous people (that still ongoing), home of slavery and mass racism. Home to lots of nasty shit. What do you think of things where America did things like MK ultra to american and canadian citizens? Experimenting on someone own citizens with no consent is pretty authoritarian no? Hell besides that, I'd argue it's pretty authoritarian how countries like america allow homelessness to exist or refuse to provide proper medical care for it's people (not without extreme medical debt), or how about the entire prison and justice system? Everything you can accuse of spoopy authoritarian countries doing, america has done it or is doing it.

Like your a fool if you truly believe America is free and democratic. All it tells me you never been on the wrong side of America and experience it's worst side.

I am getting on you because has it maybe ever occurred to you that I don't know. Main stream media lies about those spooky authoritarian countries? That they aren't telling the full truth? That they lie, twist or manipulate? If you have critical thinking skills, you would realize that. You would realize that hey, maybe it's not true what they say about DPRK or China or wherever else. I mean want an example of media lying? They lied saying that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. What about the Nayirah testimony? Or in recent times are how like covid suddenly over, the pandemic no longer exists? Despite covid being around? How about the constant downplaying of things like climate change? Hell what about the lies about Ukraine how their suddenly no Nazi's in Ukraine, despite how main stream media, was talking about those Nazi's in Ukraine. Funny enough, even the american military was concerned about that. Don't believe me? Have a read. https://ctc.westpoint.edu/the-nexus-between-far-right-extremists-in-the-united-states-and-ukraine/

but hey feel free to think your smug and superior here because you think you got critical thinking skills as you fall hook line and sinker for propaganda bullshit. Which you can't entirely be too blame since United States is really good at propaganda. Like maybe at least realize you're not getting the full truth about things and investigate further, but there no point. I put way too much effort into this when I shouldn't have.

I found a new thing I probably should talk to my therapist about, however I feel like im probably being too much for my therapist, esp. oversharing some things. I dunno. I'm trying not to like overthink things and trying to assume she's fine with dealing with me, since no issues so far or anything, but a part of me just looking for reasons that eventually she gonna ditch me, despite like only having two sessions so far.

I kind of hate doing safety plans at this point. At least like my therapist gave me this list from her dbt book, of like what to do if like the mood to self destruct and other things, ever comes by. It has some good recommendations in it I might try. So that's good. Dunno if it will help or not but can't hurt.

I had my therapy appointment today, I had to do another safety plan, and I dunno how many times I had to fill out a safety plan at this point.

I did, thanks! It helped me get some ideas to put some things down as I reworded it a little. I hope at least I get an interview or get it, because it would be nice to work again and if I do get it, I just hope this time around I can hold it down. Since last time I worked like two years ago, I only lasted a day. But hopefully going to therapy will help with that

I lost my old resume that I would modify. Fuck I have to make a new one

I think I'll just apply