cool, my dad taking his depression/anger out on me. im going back to sleep, fuck this day
I feel okay now, a little happy even, and now I feel like I was faking it earlier with the constant worrying of tomorrow and unable to relax. I don't think I was making it up? Either way this is fun, I love this. Then I know im gonna feel this way again where I can't stop worrying and then oh everything fine again, what was that? I wasn't worried at all or anything! I'm okay and perfectly fine! Nothing is wrong!
I hate this. At least I'm seeing a therapist I guess, but holy fuck it feels like sometimes im making things up and feeling like I'm being manipulative.
hot flash 
and it's also really hot outside to
Boot licking as you defend american imperialism? Are you gonna defend shit like this to where america pretty much just terrorizes school children? like here https://theintercept.com/2020/12/18/afghanistan-cia-militia-01-strike-force/
also how do you feel about shit like this? https://www.salon.com/2015/02/14/i_no_longer_love_blue_skies_what_life_is_like_under_the_constant_threat_of_a_drone_attack_partner/
honestly, fuck you, I didn't want to say anything but people who defend american imperialism, pisses me the fuck off. You whine about tankies and shit, meanwhile you defend american imperialism that responsible for so much evil, woe and trouble in the world. its funny how you defend america when america hates its own fucking people. literally the country with the biggest incarceration population on the planet, but surely america believes in "freedom" and "democracy". also what, freedom to starve on the streets? freedom to be homeless? freedom to get into medical debt? that fucking freedom? meanwhile those "authoritarian" like aes countries are more free than america will ever be.
also just want to point something else out but since you care so much about "terrorists". how do you feel knowing people join up with some of those terrorist groups just so they can defend their homeland because they saw america kill their friends, family, children, and so on? also how you defend some american soldiers doing shit like shotting children just for playing in the streets? fuck right off.
cool, my dad lied again and I feel stupid for maybe thinking this time around, he will stop drinking again for a while. he said he will stop no excuses, and then today and yesterday he has excuses to why he needs to drink. at this point maybe I should shut up and stop getting really hopeful. but I want to be hopeful because I want to think he will stop. and I want to trust and believe in him. so it just hurts. also I think that janitor job ghosted me so fun! but tbf it's only been like 5-6 days? but I have feeling they did.
cw: talking about self harm and suicide, mainly just venting about shit until therapy time comes later this week
spoiler
I also broke my like I think 7-8 months long streak of not self harming. so good job me, high five! I'm surprised I didn't break it sooner when my mom died months ago. maybe I should've looked at that dbt sheet I was given again, but too late now. not like it really matters anyways since Im not sure if im gonna mention this to my therapist or not. and my dad not gonna give a shit because my family doesn't really care about me.
since like for example, when I tried to make an serious attempt at suicide a few years ago, the staff told him how my dad needed to get rid of the thing I used to make an attempt. anyways when I was released, guess what was there, sitting where I tried to make an attempt!? either way after I got home, my dad then fucked off to go to some party. and I had to do the smart and responsible thing and get rid of it myself, despite like a part of me really wanting to keep it. at least when I visited my mom, she sort of cared? except she made it about herself going "why would you do this to me!? how could you!?" when like okay. sorry mom for trying to kill myself because I wanted to stop the pain and suffering and just wanted peace. I wasn't like.. I wasn't trying to do that her.
anyways I also kind of hate self harming because like. I'm an adult, meanwhile lots of materials about it, are just targeted towards teens and it feels really degrading and shit. as if adults don't do forms of self harm at all! anyways I really wish I could like drink alcohol, have weed or something. but I don't because I know im gonna abuse the hell out of it and I have to do the smart and responsible thing and avoid it all. but I wish I could just indulge and just stop feeling and not think. that would be really nice
also learning I might have borderline/bpd from my therapist, isn't really fun either since at times I already feel like a bad person, but reading more about it. esp from other people, I even feel more like a bad person. also I recently learned about splitting and I think I might had an episode of that not too long ago? I think it was splitting? I'd have to ask my therapist. Anyways I think I started doing that towards one friend because she did something that bothered me and that not helping with feeling like one the worst people out there. well past friend. I did remove her because it started to feel like she really just really secretly hates me and doesn't really give a shit about me, and I should just ditch her. at least in the moment. except this time around I wasn't really able to ignore those feeling and thoughts and push it away this time.
and like I hate it because she was someone I was more easily able to ignore those thoughts and feelings about when they arise, compared to other people. and now I have ruined probably one of my most stable friendships I had. it was also a long friendship to that lasted 4-5 years and rip to that now. I dunno, I know that is my fault here. and now that im out of that moment, it just. I dunno awful.
Whatever, guess ill talk about some of this stuff to my therapist, except the self harm part. I'm going to sleep now and pretend I don't exist, unless if I get more bad dreams again, fun! be nice if my dad would stop drinking because it does send me into a spiral each fucking time now since I dont think I can handle it at all much anymore. since it makes me worry extremely about him, and also about the future to feeling like if he dies, I'm fucked. either way everything just awful and I wish it would just stop since im tired of like all of all the constant worry, the dread, the despair, the pain, the loneliness, the hollowness/dead inside feeling and the all of it.
I saw a really cute spider and spiders are just cool. I'm not sure which spider this was, I think a wolf spider? I dunno, but it's a spider and it's cute
I finished Blood in My Eye. It was really good and I wish I read it sooner. I really like George Jackson's three faces of fascism, and that book made me realize that fascism also has an international characteristic to.
Since my dad gonna stop drinking for a while again, I decided to look at jobs again, and there this janitor job just "calling" out to me. I feel like I should apply for it, esp. since I have experience as a custodian before, but at the same time. I feel like I might really be getting ahead of myself, esp because im starting new things to like therapy.. But if I decide to wait, there goes that opportunity.
Good news! My dad told me he gonna stop again and try and not drink at all for a while like he did last time. It just also good since I was really dreading I was gonna lose him and it was gonna get bad again. It is also different since last time he was making a comprise and only drinking on weekends, but not this time.
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SunsetFruitbat
joined 2 years ago
I finally had my therapy appointment today. I have to stop doing it weekly and have to change it to non weekly, because my dad getting mad and telling me I'm getting ripped off. And like.
cw: talking about suicide and self harm again, nothing serious
spoiler
okay how is it a rip off? This therapist is like the first therapist I can really talk to about all the suicidal thoughts I have since I was a kid. along with self harming things. Like I am able to talk about her without feeling like im gonna immediately tossed into the psych ward like some therapists do. like how the fuck is that a rip off???to add like. I dunno, she like teaching me some dbt stuff. today one of them was "check the facts" to help with emotional regulation because I'm learning I have really bad coping skills, like self harm being a bad one. So how the fuck is learning some actual healthy and proper coping skills a fucking rip off? to add, she trying to help address the suicidal thoughts and behaviors I have so I don't fucking kill myself one day. Again, how the fuck is that a rip off? like holy fucking shit. does my dad want me to kill myself? because I'm trying not to do that and I know if I don't address this shit now, I am probably gonna do it one day because like, holy fuck do I get to some extreme low points, just this year and last year alone there were a lot of points that were concerning. but noo, im being ripped off apparently and should just stop therapy because what the fuck do I matter. I'm just suppose to be a happy little pet kept away in my room, not really able to go anywhere or participate in society or do much with anyone, just left to be fucking alone and isolated, and I should just be fucking happy about that. Or at least that how I feel and maybe not 100% true, since im jumping to extremes there if I follow one these sheet I was given.
something else but this reminded me of it, I dunno why. but while I hate the psych ward because it's shitty and awful, there was however something nice about it. a sense of community? since like your just stuck with all these strangers, but most of all like. you get to do stuff with other people and it's just.. really nice. I remember one time this lady played uno with me and it was pretty fun, I was happy. there was also watching movies together with people, that was nice to. but then after getting out of the psych ward, it just reminded me how lonely everything is and how lonely I am.
whatever. anyways me and my therapist also talked more about bipolar and borderline personality disorder/bpd, and we talked about mania and hypomania. in which, I guess it's looking a lot to be borderline personality disorder I'm dealing with, since I'm dealing with a lot of the signs of bpd, since we talked about it more. meanwhile for bipolar I never really had any episodes of mania or none I can think of. Meanwhile I def do have other things like dissociation or paranoia at times. interpersonal issues and just like a lot of things. anger was also brought up and that is something I know I'm not managing properly either and does really need to be addressed.
anyways like, one thing we did talk about is just a need to feel safe? one being feeling safe financially in case if my dad does dies too soon because that would be bad. she wants to like work more with teaching me more coping skills, and maybe I should hold off trying to work for a little bit since I might not be ready for that. which might be fair, since maybe im not ready to work again. I dunno, assuming I have reliable transportation anyways since me and her also talked about that to.
either way, whatever. according to my dad I'm just being ripped off I guess!