Deep breaths my dear. remember you are a person even when you're on your own. Your identity and who you are shouldnt be shackled to another person thats not fair on either of you. Go get doing things that you like, things he wouldnt have liked, go be you or try to remember who that person is. Have a phenomenal cathartic cry and move forward, one step at a time. We love you. Everything will be alright.

Slicing raw meat brings me the weirdest joy.

Because your mind is broken into thinking your body needs fixing or putting right. You are beautiful, you were beautiful before and you are beautiful now. You need to talk with someone about this openly and without judgement. You are perfect, just like everyone else.