I heard somebody say that you're not a real homebrewer until you mop the ceiling. So, congratulations!

I remember having to haul everything out of the pantry and scrub the walls after a 2L plastic wine fermenting bottle exploded. Our version of an airlock was just gravity and a loose cap... which someone tightened.

Hmm painting accident.

One christmass my dad opened his beer at the table with presents. One of my books still smells like beer after about 8 years.

Ah - that's happened to me before. Making banana wine, crushed and boiled my fruit selection, didn't filter it very well before fermenting, blocked the airtrap in my demijon, first I knew about it was an almighty bang and then I had to repaint the kitchen.

Joy of homebrewing, am afraid. Sometimes you do stupid things and they turn out amazing, and sometimes you do sensible things and just forget one tiny but essential step. I heartily recommend making snakebite-and-black homebrew, btw - lager kit, cider kit, couple of bottles of blackcurrant juice all in your fermenter; loses all its sweetness and most of its purple colour and the result is a very tasty brew.

I now see why some people use their spare bathtub, if they have one, as a staging area during fermentation.