I had the same mindset as your wife for 15 years. I just started on ADHD meds yesterday. My entire life is transformed. My anxiety about doing tasks doesn't exist anymore. I have more energy to get things done. My emotional noise is zero. I was an idiot for 15 years.

Don't let her rob you of daily life unburdened. If she can't understand that ADHD means your brain is physically structured differently, then she's not very respectful of your or your well-being.

Ask her if she would have similar statements about a broken leg.

Also, honestly, having a partner deny something so present in life is horrible. Imagine her saying that about virtually any physically presenting disease or ailment, would it be acceptable?

"You just need to focus naturally", "It's all in your head", "Doctors are only in it for themselves"

What if you struggled to see? Would she try to talk you out of glasses?

I'm sorry that you are in this position. She shouldn't be controlling you like this. I'd recommend doing some level of couples counseling, this isn't really an issue with your medication but your right to control your own body and life.

Advice? Couples counseling. If that doesn't work, divorce. Your health should not be under scrutiny from someone who thinks it's "all in your head." This is one of those molehills that will become an insurmountable mountain.

I read the title and thought about some of the side effects and that’s valid (irritability, tiredness when it wears off, sexual dysfunction). But your comments show she doesn’t understand that it’s not a willpower thing, it’s a chemicals in your brain thing and no amount of willpower will change that - and in fact that kind of talk is actively harmful. There’s absolutely a lot that can be done with mindset etc. but the drugs are a tool that enables the coping strategies and mindset work! Otherwise it’s doomed to frustration and failure.

With that in mind - to be blunt - she needs to learn more about ADHD in order for the relationship to be healthy.

My wife, however, refuses to let me get my meds.

She doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. Which is pretty much the most basic human right.
Don't take your meds in secret. Take them in front of her and stand up for yourself. That is only your decision, she has absolutely no basis for challenging you on that.
If that leads to conflict, that is a conflict you need to have, and not back down on.
She doesn't own you.

She refuses to let you get meds? This is extremely controlling behavior which sounds very concerning. You deserve bodily autonomy. If your wife were a man, this would immediately be called abuse.

I agree with the other comments saying to get counseling and not take your meds in secret.

Your wife doesn't get to decide that, you do: This sounds dysfunctional AF.

As someone not part of the ADHD community and just stopping by from browsing, I gotta say: your health is your right. The only reason your wife should have any say in something like this is if it has in the past it put her in danger or caused significant issues with your marriage like: "well, last time you took your meds you had awful mood swings that were hard for me to understand and deal with", or "last time you took your meds you almost got fired, putting our financial safety at risk", etc. etc. If there is no history of something like this deeply affecting her, than your health is your right and you should get your meds if you and your doctor feel it would help.

If you have to hide a medical need from your spouse, that's a relational problem that needs the help of therapy to address. Otherwise you'll find yourself hiding everything and resenting her for it in 20 years.

I would suggest couples counseling with a therapist that has experience with ADHD clients.

You are being abused. Get your meds.

I have a friend who was in similar situation.

Your wife does not decide if you need medicine or not. Doctors do. I don't know if you should take your meds in secret or right in front of her, you should do whatever you think is best for you in this situation, but you need to be taking your meds.

What helped me convince some people that ADHD is not a made up problem was the pictures on Wikipedia's ADHD entry (in Polish) showing some difference on PET scans of regular person brain and ADHD brain. Showing people that and saying there's literally a difference in a brain you can actually see made them think twice

"This is my health and I'm going to speak about this with a doctor. I love you and appreciate your perspective, but this is my decision to make. If any changes as a result of this impact you, we can discuss them, but I've made my decision and I expect you to respect it the same as I respect the decisions you make about your health."

The fact that she thinks she gets to decide what medications you get to take is nuts to me. This is a boundary it's very worth building and maintaining. If side effects impact her then you can negotiate, but it's your body. You have the autonomy to decide what happens to it. She's just a trusted advisor on the matter of your body.

A lot of people don't understand that ADHD is a disability, and things are only disabilities because society says they are not normal and normal society doesn't allow for them without assistance.

She is basically saying the same as telling a person with MS that they just need to try harder to just get around like everyone else who is too lazy to walk rather than relying on an expensive walker, cane, or wheelchair because the doctors who prescribed it are just in it for themselves. Sure some could eventually get where they're going by force of will alone, but it's not anywhere near the same as just being lazy.

Either that or modify all of society so that no one has to walk/do memorization for exams by making all tests practical knowledge test instead that are easier for people with ADHD.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't a debate. This is the reality of your health situation. ADHD doesn't go away just because your wife doesn't believe it's real. I would in no way or form ever be okay in this situation, especially with an unreasonable science denier.

EDIT: What you WILL eventually acquire in this situation long-term is a massive amount of undeserved shame.

As others have said, couple's counselling and/or divorce. Your wife does NOT get to dictate your health to you. Would you dictate what she does with her body? Same thing applies.

You do not want to be in a relationship where you have to hide things. Trust me. Take your meds. Your wife can get on board with it, or not. Her choice.

My wife was always fine with me taking meds but we had some fierce arguments about the fact that our oldest child also has ADHD. She just didn't want to accept it for some reason. Right up until said child started expressing suicidal thoughts. At that point, all I could say was, "Look, we can either let her keep going down the same path I went down at that age or we can get her the help she needs." Wife got on board pretty quickly after that.

I get not understanding what's it like to have ADHD. That's fair. But to basically trash a major part of your lived experience because they themselves haven't lived takes some incredible arrogance.

Two points I hope help you:

My personal belief is not the same as your wife but similar: As a long time ADHD adult, I've come to believe ADHD is a societal problem not a mental illness. It is a version of humaness. This is my experience and I don't expect others to accept it. But, there is a psychological concept that if you remove societal pressure to "be" a certain way, and you are allowed to be you and the suffering is alleviated, its not mental illness.

That being said, you are a grown adult who is allowed to decide what you need. Your wife is being borderline abusive if she is using those actual words and threatening consequences. If you believe this is your best option, put your foot down, thank her for her opinion and say you're doing what's best for you and ultimately it is your own choice. Be prepared to be met with threatened consequences if that's a thing, and try to have the courage to say something like "Threatening me is not acceptable, and I'd like you to work on that issue. If you are unwilling to try and see things differently and this is not something you can live with, let's talk in a healthy way."

Another small note: I wouldn't even bring up that you're trying to improve her life. You have the right to improve your own life and experience and that's enough. Including her in that opens the door for her to say "I don't want you to do that for me." which is not relevant in this case as long as there has been no history of side effects of the meds causing problems for those around you.

Since you say you can take the meds in secret, I assume she isn't your medical or legal caretaker and isn't required to administer your medications?

If you are your own guardian and can administer your own medication, there is no need to lie about it, nor wait for her to approve of it.

If she was with you last time you were on medication: Are her objections based on how you reacted to it then, like did you change in any way (stop listening, prioritised other things, become emotionally closed off or volatile)?

Are you diagnosis and will get a prescription from a doctor, or would this be self-medicating?

Does she have any other objections youbhavent listed here?

I really don't think its a good idea to do these things in secret. The diagnosis is a part of you, either she can accept it or she doesn't accept you.

Couples counseling for sure! (non-religious, they may be free, but they may also just feed into her rejection of pharmaceuticals - very difficultto know beforehand... find one who works with neuro-divergent people, and if that therapist doesn't do couples they can refer you to someone who does)

Tell her she's wrong in all points, courtesy of someone also affected who has a aunt like this. And also, wife or not, that's your body and your future, not hers. If she can't accept that, it smells like trouble.

And also, show her this:

OK besides everything said that has been said, I would try to ways:

The "nicer" way and ask her if you break a leg do you try to walk without crutches because you just need to walk it off? Because that is what you trying to tell me... Not giving my brain the crutches it needs to walk in this world...

And work from there to the point of couvelingy cuz your wife isn't supportive to your Problems / health.

My second approach would be more pissed of and look at the walls and ask here why i still dont see any PhDs on the wall, since it seems that she has a medical degree I never knew about.

First of all, fuck her. Not in the nice way. She has clearly shown she is not your partner but an active enemy. If she does this to your face, just imagine what she is capable of behind your back. No counseling will help. This is basic human decency, which she clearly lacks. Don't give her the chance to harm you even worse. Run.

Hey, OP here. Thank you all for your advice. Many of you give great advice that I will take into consideration. I decided to make this single comment to address everyone rather than respond individually to comments. Despite what my original post might insinuate, my wife isn't a terrible person. She's a very wonderful and sweet person. We have a great relationship the vast majority of the time. It's just that the topic of my ADHD meds is a sticking point. Much of this is informed by her religious background and worldview in addition to her experiences of childhood lupus and the baggage that it came with.

With that said, I'm going to take action over my own health, as many of you have said. I'm going to take my meds again. I want to change my life for the better and she's going to have to respect it. Once she realizes that it's going to help me get my life back together (and, by extension, improve our lives together), she might come to terms with my neurodivergent condition.

Thank you all, once again, for the advice and any new advice that might come after I post this comment!

Not going to comment on the meds, but if you are just taking A+ in hopes it will help get jobs, I’m not sure it’s the best time spent. I’ve been in IT for over a decade, and no one ever cares about A+ cents. Some of the worst techs I’ve interviewed have had A+, and some of the best did not.

If you focus more of building random projects, setup a homelab for example, I think you’ll gain a lot more real world knowledge which goes a long way in interviews.

Getting back on my meds is what helped me get back into college and get a degree. I am angry for you that you are being treated this way.

If they made you change significantly in a way that affected your relationship I would see her point of view, but as it stands she sounds like a ADHD healthcare negationist.

No shit it's all in your head, that doesn't mean you don't need help! Meds are help!

We’re sorry, but ADHD is a disability. There’s no “natural way” to think. You need to listen to your doctor not to her (whom is not a doctor tor far as we know) because this is medication for your disability. High key she’s being really ableist about the situation.

Don't take the drugs, spiral into unhealthy and dangerous habits, she leaves you, profit! (And then take the meds)

that will benefit both my wife and I.

It's "that will benefit me", not "that will benefit I".

Get your prescribed medication and maybe a new partner

Divorce her.

Tell your doctor about the issue with your wife. They can help advocate for you.

I mean, I don't know whether that is a concern of your wife, but I'll share the story anyway.

I kind of lost a friend over his changed personality with taking meds. Before, our mutual understanding came from not experiencing the world like others around us. It felt like a deep friendship.

Since he takes his meds that understanding faded away, so did the friendship. When I talk about my still ongoing struggles he does not understand anymore.

I made this a topic, he understands, but he feels better in his life. So at least, it became a deliberate choice for him. It makes me sad, because I lost an ally in finding society strange, but I am happy for him, that he enjoys life more now 👍.