Sometimes it really feels like it would just be easier to let my cancer kill me.

I have never really had real support from anyone in my life, ever. No one who really stood up for me or was there when I needed support and understanding the most. My longest-term ex treated me like I was her caretaker, even after I was diagnosed with cancer, which was a much more severe problem than any of her issues. She would make my cancer all about how it made her feel and ignore how I felt. My family like my mother and sister have consistently acted like I'm just a burden.

I feel lucky that Medicaid has covered my treatment so far, but I'm probably going to lose access to Medicaid in 2027 because I'm not considered disabled.

I have been trying to change that and trying to get cash assistance because I have been flat broke for months and I am staying with my elderly mother who holds kicking me out into the street over me like a weapon. She doesn't care I have no options and did nothing at all to be saddled with this cancer, I should "have done more with my life." I have done ten times more with my life than she did with hers, but because the system rewarded her and fucked me that's my fault apparently. I wish she had done more with her life so she hadn't treated me like a burden that was always dead last in her priorities my entire life. I resent this fucking house and I've told her that for two decades because this house that she lives in to keep up with the Joneses and can't actually afford to upkeep or live in (living beyond her means) was more important to her than me. Living here alone for 20 years without ever taking on a roommate so she could have some money saved for things like the entirely new septic system she just had to put in because the 70 year old one she had never done maintenance on finally failed catastrophically. She has the gall to complain about how she wishes she had her place to herself again to someone who has lived with roommates and in apartments by other people's rules his whole life. I've barely been here a year, I don't do anything except sit in my room and try not to use electricity or heat other than my computer. I don't ask her for money, I buy all my food from food stamps (which I might lose soon too because of the new work requirements). I don't see how me being in a room in the corner of the basement which accounts for less than 1/10th the total size of the house which has six fucking functional bedrooms as well as a huge living room, kitchen, laundry room, workbench area, and storage is so fucking intrusive when she has the whole upstairs (three of six rooms/kitchen/living room/bathroom upstairs).

I keep getting the runaround at DSHS and I could be waiting years for my Social Security disability claim to go through even though I am being represented by a local law firm that specializes in disability claims. I am running so far behind on the few bills I have of my own and I owe my mother so much money for bills and it's just piling up and I feel nauseous from the anxiety daily and can't stop crying.

It's bad enough feeling like my country doesn't care if I live or die, but to do it all alone without a partner who has my back is maddening. All I want is to hold someone and be held by someone who will kiss me and tell me it's all going to be okay even if that's them just comforting me and they know it's not true. Having someone that I feel close to.

I just feel so fucking alone in all this and I'm so sick of online dating because I'm embarrassed to try to meet women in public because my life is a mess and I hate matching with women and sending introductory messages and then just never even have them read the response let alone respond. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking invisible. I'm so tired of feeling worthless to everyone in this world. I see so many people torn up about their relationships with people who treat them like crap and it makes me crazy because I am so desperate to be loved and have so much love to give and it's heartbreaking that people are being hurt by people who don't even love them and I can't even find someone to give my love to.

I'm just so alone and I'm so sick of being alone and lost and feeling hopeless and unloved and worthless. Worthless to my family, worthless to my country, unworthy of being loved.

It just feels like it would be so much easier to just let my cancer kill me. I don't know what else to do anymore. All I do is spend all my time alone staring at the computer and doing nothing but scrolling Lemmy and making dumb comments to try to pass the time and it's killing me. I need to feel worth something to someone or I seriously think I'm on the verge of truly giving up.

Sorry for the disjointed ramble. I haven't slept much in days and have been crying all day after being politely told to essentially go fuck myself in terms of getting help at DSHS earlier today.