[Chorus] Men with beards What are they hiding? Could I handle the truth If they chose me to confide in? Or would my dead body be found Down a railway siding? Where I'd been murdered by a man with a beard Murdered by a man with a beard
[Verse 1] You can't work out what they're thinking in their face Because they've got hair growing all over the place You can't tell what they're up to, maybe it's best not to know Perhaps they're full of hair up here, but they've got none down below? Do they put porno mags in the bushes in the woods? Do they interfere with kids – and make them say 'Thank you' afterwards? Do they hang around in parks, and wait 'til after dark Jump out of the bushes – and then fuck you for a lark?
[Chorus 2] Men with beards What are they concealing? That facial fuzz gives me An uneasy feeling Like they'll hide my dismembered corpse Up in the ceiling Where I've been butchered by a man with a beard Butchered by a man with a beard
[Verse 2] Shipman, Bin Laden, Stilgoe, Haystacks They were all hiding something, and that's an actual fact Whispering Bob Harris – why was his voice so soft? Had he murdered a prostitute up in his loft? Like Peter Sutcliffe: The Yorkshire Ripper He avoided the use of a razor or clipper They've all got a secret – could be anything But they're probably part of a pedophile ring
[Chorus 3] Men with beards What are they obscuring? They all seem so confident And so assuring But to some waste ground You, they'll be luring Where you'll be bludgeoned by a man with a beard Bludgeoned by a man with a beard
[Verse 3] A recent phenomenon, that I find weird Is the peculiar anomaly of the fashion beard In adverts, bearded men are considered normal and cool They're no longer just kerbcrawling outside the school But now I can't tell a rapist from some guy who is hip! Which one is Mick, from This is England – and which is Scroobius Pip?! Throw in a pair of sandals, and an ethnic hat And is he a Muslim extremist, or a Hoxton twat?!
[Chorus 4] Men with beards What are they secreting? Will they trick you into A clandestine meeting And then drug your drink Or the food you were eating? Until you wake up to find what you feared You're being rogered by a man with a beard Watch out for men with beards (He's behind you...)