Local 17-year-old Nick Stultus espoused his libertarian philosophies in every social interaction, even if doing so prevented him from being invited to parties, having a girlfriend or finding a single peer who enjoys his company, according to sources who listened.

“My advanced reasoning skills allow me to recognize how the demands that enslave lesser beings who are shackled by friendships would limit my personal sovereignty,” Stutlus said. “So many people wrongly assume I’d like to waste my weekends driving around, cracking jokes with buddies. But that’s because they’ve been brainwashed into believing coercive human connections and building community are more meaningful than dedicating your Friday and Saturday nights to scouring YouTube for old interviews of Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand.”

Classmate Emmett Merrick questioned Stultus’s self-assessment. [...]