"Calm down" when I am in rage. Works 100% of never.
My math teacher, when I said I did not know how to do the home work: "Well, just do more math!"
How do you expect me to do more math, when I do not know how?
On hindsight, he was right... I should have re-done quite a bit of the math courses, properly, so that I would have had the basis to advance. At that moment, he did not have the time to help me, since he knew I had been left too far behind to quickly catch up. It just felt so stupid to teen age me. I ended up dropping out of the higher math courses and just did the basic ones. Ended up with great scores for the basic maths, with a far better mental health. I had been strugling with math for so long.
For me as someone with ADHD and Autism i could list so many. But the most useless defenetly are:
"Just use a planner"
"You can learn to reign it in, others have learned to do so too!"
"Dont throw such a fit over something that small! I only changed your routine/moved around your entire order"
"You just need to focus more!"
"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!"
"Just do it" is helpful in some cases, but mostly not. E.g. you think that a hobby is cool but you don't feel like you could start it? Just do it, take a course, try it out. It becomes unhelpful quickly when the realities of your life are just different. Telling in unemployed person with debt who is fascinated with flying to "just get a pilot license" ignores their reality. But telling a business analyst who's interested in manga but feels like this hobby would destroy his image, to "just do it and buy some mangas" is totally valid.
I have been struggling financially for most of my life and have received way too often the unhelpful advice to "just do it. Live a little." Just book that 100€ flight to Italy and see Rome. Just get a smartphone, everyone has one now! (That was when smartphoneplans were very expensive here and I couldn't justify such a high monthly cost. Yes I'm older.)
There is way too much "just do it" advise by people that live in their nice little bubble of a well-off, supportive family system and never realize that the only reason they can "just do it" is because they never had to eat rice with tomato sauce for 3 days in a row because there were only 10€ on the bank account by the 26th.
On a similar note, "just get a job, just learn something more profitable/in an industry with high wages" is also an often unhelpful advice. Not everyone can be good at everything. And not everyone can just uproot their lives and go back to school for a few years. Yes, some people can do amazing things like get a masters degree while working full-time and having kids. But this advise, too, ignores the reality of many people. If you have no support system or if you simply aren't cut out for the currently profitable jobs, you can't just magically switch careers. And even if you do: things change so quickly and there is no guarantee, that the currently well-paid job will still be like that in 5-10 years.
Go to bed early so you can get a good night's sleep. I have heard this so many times, and I'm convinced it was the cause of many sleepless nights. It's probably great advice for people with a normal circadian rhythm, but it's useless for those with a non-standard chronotype. That shit is baked into your DNA, and medicine currently has no idea how to change it. Especially since it's so much easier just to blame the night owl.
Lord, how I couldn't agree more. There are so many conflicting studies about how humans sleep because there's a fuckin lot of us and we each sleep a bit different. I, for example, can take a 30 minute nap and hit one REM cycle and then go at 100% for 4 hours. My partner needs to hit at least 3 REM cycles across 9 hours in order to feel okay for even one second of their day.
A regular sleep rhythm makes all the difference. Doesn't matter when you go to bed as long as it's around the same time.
"Choose to be happy" This is advice I've heard from people on Reddit who have overcome their depression and say it's a choice. No, Happy, it is not.
I try really hard to not downplay the environmental effects that played into my depression journey when I give advice for this exact reason. You're right, it's not easy to fundamentally change the way you think to such a degree that your hormones change. It's possible though. But it's probably gonna need a disruption in your environment that you may or may not be able to facilitate. I got lucky, and my disruption happened to me so my journey was helped a lot
There's a major push coming to ban depression meds. I had long, drawn-out conversations with people who genuinely think exercise will fix things.
Yeah, for people without clinical depression, maybe.
"I was lucky and my brain chemistry corrected itself, so all you need to do is stop being unlucky and be lucky like me!"
While we're at it, if you can't reach the top shelf, just grow taller. That's what I did.
Maybe a bit of a stretch, but I try my best to interpret things in the best possible way (sometimes to the point of naivety). In a way, I think of it as "choosing to be happy", in the sense that if someone says or does something that could upset me, I try to look for a way to interpret their actions as something that doesn't upset me.
Of course, this doesn't always apply, but I've experienced that it makes life a lot better. A lot of unpleasant things can be attributed to mistakes or misunderstandings, which are a lot easier to not get upset about than people being intentionally mean.
I loved the thanksimcured subreddit because they just mock this kind of thing.
Depression is a recurring thing, it comes back at anytime and it will level you when it does. What people who ever claim to have "defeated" depression or "overcome it" are simply confusing depression with general sadness. General sadness can easily be overcome because it isn't as much of a weight on you as depression is.
But then you say something like that and some asshole comes right up to you saying shit like "now you're just gatekeeping what a mental illness is!".
Fucking Reddit dumbasses are a piece of work.
Well, no, there are clinical forms of depression, which are reoccurring forms, and then there's bouts of depression, which generally are caused by a specific event or change. Those types usually have fixes, but they're worse than "general sadness".
Me - "Doctor, it hurts when I do X." X is a perfectly normal activity like walking, raising arm over head, etc
Doctor - "Then maybe you shouldn't do X?"
Did you get your doctor on Stackoverflow?
lol, the internet was unknown to most of the world at that time. He was just a doctor with a horrible bedside manner
S/He's right though?
"S/He's" takes 8 button presses to type on my keyboard. "They're" takes 7.
Why did you decide not to use the formal term for a person of unknown gender in the third person? Why did you put in the extra effort to be less formal?
Yes, obviously I should not have walked as that was causing pain in my hip, like something scraping...
“Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason.”
That “reason” could be shitty decisions, power beyond your control, or sheer bad luck. But we all know it’s just thinly-veiled religious indoctrination.
The one that's even worse is "God never gives you more than you can handle." Tell that to a bajillion dead people.
It also tries to remove accountability from people who really do not care to pay attention to what they're doing. They'll be in shit and they'll think "ahh this is what God might have had planned for me" and instead of trying to fight to survive, they just succumb to it with that belief.
Religion is just bad to believe in.
“You just have to be persistent”
That can be true but no amount of persistence is going to make Timothee Chalamet be interested in me as Im closer to his dad’s age and he’s not gay.
"It is what it is"
That's not advice.
I find that people often say this when what "it is" is something too ugly to name. "It is what it is" is true, but sometimes what "it is" is that the speaker is a racist defending another racist
IDK, I think "just do it" is actually pretty reasonable advice, for the most part.
Obviously, it depends
everything depends
but I feel like it applies to many aspects of life.
Sometimes you're scared or anxious about something needlessly, and it really is best to just go for it and figure it out later, no matter how much your brain tells you it's terrible and not worth it.
it's good advice, until someone's asking "how?" then saying "you just do it" becomes useless as tits on a tomcat. cause I DON"T FUCKIGN KNOW WHAT "IT" YOU"RE REFERRING TO! THAT"S WHY I ASKED
As someone who struggles with anxiety paralysis on certain tasks, "just do it" is extremely helpful.
THANK YOU!!!!! I replied to someone that replied to my comment trying to explain exactly that...
All advice is good advice in a certain situation. "Trust your gut"/"be skeptical", "be careful"/"go for it!" all of these can be good or terrible advice for different people at different times.
The problem with "just do it" is it's often literally the first thing that everyone tries. If I want to do my homework or cook a healthy meal, it'd be pretty weird if I started off by trying to not do it. So, often when it's given as advice it feels very insulting, because it feels like your being literally told "have you considered doing the thing your trying to do?"
It can be shorthand for much better advice - "don't think about the consequences or costs, just focus on this moment and the first step you need to take" or whatever, but when delivered to someone who is literally struggling to do something it often adds nothing. "be careful" is good advice if someone's carelessly approaching a dangerous, delicate task, but is shitty, vacuous advice if someone is already being very careful. So telling someone to "just do it" suggests you think that they weren't previously attempting to do it, and that can give offense.
I mean, sure, but isn't that literally everything? Hugging someone is nice unless they don't want to hug. Telling someone “don’t think about the consequences or costs, just focus on this moment and the first step you need to take” is good advice unless they need to focus on the consequences or costs, or they aren't taking the first step, or... or... or... ad eternum.
If your argument is that "just do it" is bad advice, then I flatly disagree. However, that doesn't seem to be the case; rather, it seems you're saying that "just do it" is advice that should be administered carefully and properly. While a fair assessment, that is also completely counter-productive as a point of discussion because I already said "just do it"'s efficacy is dependent on circumstance while describing a specific situation wherein it could be rightfully applied!!!!! DAMN IT!!
Well, one thing actually:
The problem with “just do it” is it’s often literally the first thing that everyone tries.
Is it? It very much isn't for me, for example. I usually think about what I'm going to do before I do it
I think a lot... ---, and it's not uncommon that I get in my head about this and that, when I should just do it. For people like me, and I know I'm not alone in this, "just do it" is a great piece of advice that I should listen to way more than I usually do. No, it's not perfect; Yes, it can fall flat. Still, it's useful.
it’d be pretty weird if I started off by trying to not do it.
Yes, but would it be that weird to be stuck in a loop of self-doubt while wanting to do it, which keeps you from actually doing it?
In the spirit of "just do it," and at risk to my goal of being a positive presence online, I'd like to point out that you used "your" several times when you should've used "you're." Now, I know you probably don't care and are thinking that it's a little rude that I'm pointing it out, but just in case you do care, I'd forward you here: https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/your-vs-youre-how-to-use-them-correctly
I mean no offense. I'm not perfect and I like when people point out the small things I could improve so... There.
"Be yourself." Motherfucker, who else would I be?!
What "Be yourself" means is: "Don't pretend to be someone else because you think that will make you more appealing. It will likely show through that you're not that other person and your attempts at deception will drive away the people you want to attract. Further, if you find that being your authentic self is something you are ashamed or embarrassed being, perform some introspection on what those things are about yourself you don't like and take action to change on things you can. Examine rationally whether the thing you think is shameful is something you even have control over. For example, are you ashamed because you're not tall? You have no control over that one. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Are you ashamed because you don't have good hygiene? That one you DO have control over. If you don't know how to correct that, ask for help and get to the place where you won't be ashamed of your hygiene. You will 'be yourself' that is not as tall as you like, but with good hygiene."
That's a lot to say so it gets boiled down to "Be yourself".
I hate that advice. It would literally ruin my livelihood as an identity thief.
bonus points when "being yourself" is what got you into a mess to begin with. I was myself in school and bullied endlessly into suicide
Came here to say that.
Just get over it!
Move on!
Because both pieces of advice are intended to play out on the advisor's terms!
So if you were to follow their advice with, "Cool. Get the fuck out of my life!", they'll be, "No! NoT tHaT wAy!!!"
"You got this!" What kind of magic spell do you think that fucking phrase is?? That is one of the stupidest, low self esteem phrases in the last 50 years.
In the replies there willl be a lot of examples of advice that actually does work forna lot of people, but not everyone. They are valid examples of bad advice at the personal level because it doesn't work for them, but the advice itself is not bad advice in general. A lot of people do hold themselves back by not trying or do wallow in self pity (not clinically depressed) and most people can overcome those thing by just doing something, but not everyone can.
Like I have ADHD and I have tried enough memory tricks and failed at them to know adding more things to remember is counter prodictive for me, and that scheduling tasks only works up to a certain number of tasks in a time frame before being overwhelmed.
But there is one piece of advice that is actually the opposite of what the saying literally means and where the phrase came from. "Pulling yourself up by the bootstraps" was an example of doing something that is literally impossible. It was used as an example of how impossible the thing that was being asked of people was. Now it is twisted to mean that success is possible if you try hard enough, which is the opposite of what it means. It is literally the worst advice because it is saying "do the literal impossible thing'. .
Thank you.
Like "choose to be happy" isn't a magical mantra but something you need to work on in order to change the way you reflexively think.
"Be yourself" is essential advice for people trying to have a mask on 24/7.
And I've mostly given up replying to such threads because they're usually an excuse to wallow and complain that they've tried everything.
I don't have a magic potion that makes things better overnight, but I do have techniques that I have found valuable in improving my own mental health, but by bit, over several years.
Don't get mad! It doesn't help anything.
"Just be yourself" without clarification.
There's something to it, but too often it is interpreted as "no need for introspection or improvement"
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!
for some reason, someone saying "just stay calm" would just make me brace up.
or if someone says "it's easy, you can do it", the sus gauge starts rising.
It’s those times where I shorten my response to something like “thanks I’ll keep that in mind” or “I appreciate you trying to help” and then brush it off/not follow that advice, because it usually comes from people who at least sort of care but have no idea what to say or how to fix the situation.
If someone genuinely wants to invest in helping your situation they’ll ask and be open. For me most of the time my answer is “you being there is enough” and when I tell them I don’t expect them to have answers to my problems they relax too.
If it’s randos trying to be argumentative or dismissive then they can go sit naked on a cactus. /tangent
TL;DR: You’re right, but it’s an onslaught and you deserve peace of mind. You aren’t obligated to defend yourself to them.
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