For the first time since starting HRT I had the Reoccurring High School Nightmare™ last night. (self.mtf)

submitted 1 year ago by NoStressyJessie to c/mtf

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I want to preface by saying for decades I've had uncomfortable nightmares about school, not knowing where I'm going, being bullied and harassed, constantly running late. It's never been a good experience when that dream comes up.

This time instead of anxiety, social pressure, fight or flight, I just was. I wasn't trying to go back, I was just trying to pass through. I needed to take a shortcut through campus to get to the store. I had seen some old friends on the campus hanging out before class, and went to say hello. They weren't expecting to see me, and didn't really want to talk, I was fine with it, so I left the campus through the library out the front and went to the store. A female friend who I couldn't recall the name of rode up to me on a bike, talking about how her boyfriend had snubbed her and how she was gonna kill herself, and all I could think was, "but, why?" confused why anyone would make someone else their everything. I love that I was able to experience that, instead of being the scared boy in over their head, anxious about everyone and how I present to them, I was just a confident woman that knew my path had taken me away from the people who stagnated there and were never able to leave High School.

For decades this dream was scary, and overwhelming. It always ended up with me running away, or getting arrested for a violent outburst trying to secure my place in the world or my things (one time it was a motorcycle that someone had knocked over), and finally I'm not trying to struggle against where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be, and I love it, I love it all, and I love myself.

Thank you to everyone who reads these posts, the outpouring of love and acceptance has done a lot for me, and I love all of you!

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[-] conneru64 5 points 1 year ago

I frequently end up shirtless and embarrassed in those dreams. Hopefully they stop as I transition further.

I'm also curious if anyone else experiences that.

[-] NoStressyJessie 5 points 1 year ago

That was part of them before I started to medically transition. I was always ashamed of my chest growing up.

this post was submitted on 14 Aug 2023

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