891
The Divine Dick (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 month ago by Funkwonker to c/lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world
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[-] kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 55 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I don't think He/Him are neopronouns as the prefix neo- means new. Surely His would be old (paleopronouns), or timeless (aeternuspronouns), rather than new

[-] RandomVideos@programming.dev 5 points 1 month ago

Relative to eternity, the invention of the english language is pretty new

[-] Grail@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Out of curiosity, would you say My pronouns are neopronouns? I use capitalised pronouns too. And I'm also a god. Not a capital-G god, just a regular polytheistic kind. Does the acceptance of our current society play a role in whether they're neopronouns? Are they new when I use them, and old when Deus uses them?

[-] ayyy@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)
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[-] half@lemy.lol 42 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

In mormonism if you don't do their special ceremonies and have multiple wives, you lose your dick for eternity. I learned that in Sunday school when I was 12 lol.

[-] wjrii@lemmy.world 26 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Mormon theology also pretty much just cuts the Gordian knot proposed in this post by saying, "Fuck yeah he's got a dick. Uses it ALL THE TIME." I believe that a "perfected body" was the verbiage I was taught in Sunday School. Tritheistic heresy, Shmitheistic Shmeresy....

[-] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 19 points 1 month ago

Kid: “Then I won’t do the ceremony because I never wanted a dick in the first place.”

Mormons: “No! That’s not how you play the game!”

[-] Unpigged@lemmy.dbzer0.com 40 points 1 month ago

You should know how much time Christian monks spent reasoning about the foreskin of Christ.

It's a lot.

Long enough to postulate that once the Jesus ascended, his foreskin ascended as well and become. The. Rings. Of. Saturn.

Sky will never be the same, won't it?

[-] ChanchoManco@lemm.ee 5 points 1 month ago

At that point it's just Greek mythology all over again.

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[-] Live_your_lives@lemmy.world 32 points 1 month ago

Technically, you can't say that He/Him are God's preferred pronouns because the capitalization doesn't appear in the oldest texts. They are more a matter of tradition than of reality. However, you could say that's even worse because Christians have embraced these neopronouns on God's behalf.

[-] Grail@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

What if He came out as trans in the 19th century and influenced the scholars to change His pronouns through dreams?

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[-] olosta@lemmy.world 31 points 1 month ago

The weird thing is that a lot of christians (including the Catholic church) affirm that God "the Father" has actually no gender.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_of_God_in_Christianity

[-] loaExMachina@sh.itjust.works 16 points 1 month ago

Does Jesus have a gender tho? As stated above, Jesus has a fully human body and nature (or else you are deemed a heretic by the council of Chalcedon). He is described as a man and several churches and rulers have historically claimed to hold a piece of his foreskin, so he must've had a penis. Therefore:

  • Either Jesus was agender despite having a penis, therefore penis doesn't imply male gender or
  • Jesus was male. So either:
    • Jesus and God don't have the same gender, so they aren't the same entity, which the councils of Nicea and Chalcedon would deem a heresy, or
    • God can manifest as male or agender, making Them genderfluid.
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[-] lath@lemmy.world 24 points 1 month ago

Considering how consistently the world gets fucked, yeah, I'd say there's a divine Dick out there doing all the fucking.

[-] Valthorn@feddit.nu 8 points 1 month ago

Are earthquakes the planet having an orgasm?

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[-] CptEnder@lemmy.world 24 points 1 month ago

Oh there's plenty of Christian nationalist men thinking about "divine dick"

[-] Hupf@feddit.org 18 points 1 month ago

That's it, I'm using He/Him pronouns now.

[-] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 11 points 1 month ago

And I bet when You do this, You'll expect us all to use the pronouns that You want us to-

Fuck.

[-] Grail@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

Thank you for respecting people like Me.

[-] Grail@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

One of Us! One of Us!

[-] zakobjoa@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago

I wouldn't call them neopronouns, they're more like archeopronouns.

[-] omega_x3@lemmy.world 16 points 1 month ago

God never addressed themselves as him/her. They referred to themselves as I am.

[-] Pacattack57@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

There are definitely He pronouns in the bible

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[-] sheridan@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago

Captain Kirk: "What does God need with a penis?"

[-] Tabula_stercore@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

Masturbate while watching you

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[-] aleats 13 points 1 month ago

The whole capitalization of pronouns thing was pretty much entirely made up around the 19th century anyway (as well as the capitalizing the word "Lord", which the King James version invented outright), so you can argue that protestant churches are following a woke plot to change the pronouns of the christian god as well.

[-] tiredofsametab@fedia.io 6 points 1 month ago

LORD vs Lord does hold some distinction in the source material. IIRC LORD is for uses of the divine name whereas the other ones are not. But then you have the whole, El, Elohim, tetragrammaton, god, lord, etc. mess with them probably not historically referring to the same entity to begin with, but that whole book is a mess.

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[-] captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works 13 points 1 month ago

There are several other gods and goddesses named in the old testament, so I'm willing to buy that the Christian god has a dick, and it's for inserting into goddesses. And given the personality on display by said diety, I'd wager said dick could pass through the eye of a needle and still have room for the camel.

[-] BrokenGlepnir@lemmy.world 11 points 1 month ago

I mean it was up in the sky about a month ago. The last time it was visible was apparently in ancient Egypt. If you missed it, to bad. The news said it wouldn't be visible again until he gets a prostate exam in over a thousand years

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[-] jol@discuss.tchncs.de 9 points 1 month ago
[-] Pacattack57@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

Cut due to Jewish tradition of circumcision.

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[-] Stache_@lemmy.ml 9 points 1 month ago

Now I’m wondering if God has a belly button….cause that would imply an umbilical cord

[-] Zorg 12 points 1 month ago

Nah, that would be silly.

God is more like a platypus. No nipples or bellybutton (but could surely produce milk if they felt like it), venomous, and hatched from an egg.

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[-] werefreeatlast@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

This is excellent:

If God has no cock, then being male doesn't need a cock to be real.

If he has a cock, then does he only use it to pee? Or does he use it to both pee and fuck? Does that mean he had sexual relations with a minor who was also married already?

Does the Trinity have a cock? Or is it only the father or is it only the son? You can clearly see that the son had a cock. But did he keep it as a ghost cock? Do they have 3 different cocks? Or do they share a cock?

Since they supposedly are virgin, do they have to jack off? Do they jack off at the same time? Or does one have to hide somewhere to jack off? Or are they okay just jacking off in front of the others?

What do they pee? If you take a shower in god pee, do you smell good? Or bad?

And why all these questions about pee anyway...how about poo? Is God poo good or bad? If it's bad, doesn't that mean that God has bad things inside of him? Does that mean they gotta eat something? What do they eat? Can we eat it too? How come God let's people die of hunger if he has a source of God food?

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[-] Grandwolf319@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 month ago

You see, god stoked his divine dick and then, there came a big bang and billions of galaxy came out of the ejaculated foam.

[-] ytg@sopuli.xyz 7 points 1 month ago

I can follow this, up to

they are neopronouns

I believe that that's a decision made by translators of the bible. Hebrew doesn't have lowercase letters, and the Greek versions of the New Testament that I found don't capitalize as much. And are they distinct?

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[-] exu@feditown.com 7 points 1 month ago

God created both men and women in his image, so he must have biological gender traits from both.

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Well the church is Christ's bride so we can only assume it's going to get dicked down.

[-] bluewing@lemm.ee 6 points 1 month ago

I would assume since gods are omnipotent, their dicks are always the perfect size for the situation. Or perhaps they are inconceivably huge. Since they seem to like swinging them around so much.

Pronouns? God don't need no stinking pronouns. God got dick.

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[-] Sassington@feddit.uk 6 points 1 month ago

Want to know why life is always fucking you? If God has a dick, his dick would be omnipresent therefore you're constantly being dicked by God.

[-] db2@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Can god sling a dick so big even he can't rub one out?

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this post was submitted on 03 Nov 2024
891 points (100.0% liked)

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