Because even though they feel the need to seek physical intimacy from someone else, they still want the stability and safety a relationship brings.
Is the answer. Cheating is a mechanism to both have their cake, and eat it.
Very nice analogy.
I've always hated this analogy. Why can't I buy a cake and eat it?
You can either possess a cake or consume it. Consuming the pastry means you no longer have it.
I cannot believe I spent my whole life not grasping this phrase. Thank you. I'm embarrassed how much my mind just expanded.
There are a lot of clichés that may not make a lot of sense at face value. I've found some actually go a lot deeper than you expect, or may actually apply on multiple levels. Common wisdom often hits harder than I initially realized as I've gotten older...
Edit: and as you comment shows, I've also been guilty of straight-up misinterpreting the meanings as well. Literally just the other day i realized that Lifesavers™ candy are supposed to be little life preservers, as one would have on a boat. For whatever reason, i thought they were just making some grandiose claim as brands often like to do... Sometimes our first impressions become our impressions until correction which may not take place for a long time
It’s a reference to a very pretty cake. Imagine a wedding cake on display at the wedding, before the bride and groom cut into it. They want to keep the cake pristine so it can stay on display. But that means they can’t eat it, because eating it would destroy the art. They also want to eat it, because it’s cake. They want to have their cake (to display) and eat it too.
I don't understand why society demonizes that (the multiple people thing, not the lack of communication). If that's what's best for my partner, who am I to stop them? What does exclusivity even get me besides limiting my jealousy?
Polyamoury is cool. Cheating is not cool.
That's all it comes down to - consent
If someone needs multiple partners in their life to feel fulfilled, then wonderful, but they just have to make sure that everyone involved is fine with that before they get into the situation.
Polyamory is very cool for people who are wired for it. A whole lot of people aren't, and that's okay. And some people could be wired for it, but they have a whole lot of self-work to do before they'll practice it well.
It works for me because I know that I never again want to presume any semblance of control or authority over any partner's absolute right to seek out joy and fulfillment by forming however many ethical and consensual relationships they wish, of whatever style they wish, with whomever they wish, for as long as they wish, and I insist upon the same right for myself.
Jealousy is just not an emotion I experience. Envy, yes...envy being wanting what someone else has. When I see a partner of mine having a particular dynamic with another partner that I want to have with them, I feel envy. But not jealousy, which is not wanting someone else to have something of yours. That is, I don't feel anxiety about their other partner "stealing them away from me." Anything lacking between me and a partner has nothing to do with anyone else not in our relationship; if I feel something is missing between us or want things to be a certain way, it is incumbent upon me to speak up, and vice versa. Outside of our relationship, I cheer my partners on in their other connections because love is fucking amazing, man!
That makes sense but I think real reason is they get off doing something so terrible and evil and immoral. I get it.
Because you need to be brave. Cheaters are cowards.
Cause I'm single and trying to pass this math test
Betraying the trust of your significant other ❌
Flagrant violation of academic integrity ✅
People aren't honest enough with each other and their own needs. Meanwhile we build other dependencies in long term relationships that have nothing to do with physical attraction, but are in most cases more important for all kinds of reasons.
Monogamy is the basis of a lot of unnecessary suffering because it's resisting a very real need we continue to have even when our relationships become romantically stagnant. If we could all just be honest about it with our SOs without fear, and work together as we do anyway to maintain other commitments to each other, we could have a culture where there's a lot more freedom to seek more intimacy and love in a way that isn't dishonest, that isn't "cheating".
This is a very thoughtful and adult take.
I've never understood the concept of cheating in general. Basically what a person says is that they don't want their significant other to experience any kind of intimacy or sexual relationships with any other person except for them for the rest of their lives.
I've always seen that as kinda unfair.
On the other hand if I'm in a relationship I typically don't feel the need or desire to have relations with any other person even when the opportunity presents itself.
I have a friend though that is hopelessly in love with his girlfriend but regularly engages in sexual relations with other women. For him, it's not an emotional activity, it's just a physical one.
But you're absolutely right open honest communication is absolutely key.
What makes cheating, cheating, is the betrayal of trust involved more than any specific acts of intimacy. The reality is in monogamous relationships merely falling for someone else, even without then knowing how you feel, already feels like a betrayal in your heart as a loyal partner who wishes you only had eyes for your SO and nobody else. Even porn in some cases is a betrayal. It's a whole lot of unnecessary suffering not to acknowledge how the overwhelming majority of us won't mentally thrive under these conditions. Therefore, setting expectations appropriate for your situation is key.
For my part, my SO understands that due in part to her relatively low sex drive and complete lack of initiative, certain needs of mine aren't being met, and we've talked about it. I still love her deeply, and we have recently had a child, and I have every intention of meeting my obligations as a father and partner for the rest of my life. But, there's a real possibility I could fall for someone else one day. I already have friends who I can say I love and would jump at the opportunity to be intimidate with should they show that kid of interest. What interests me though, are loving bonds, not hookups (I mean STD risks and all sorts. Ew). I want to be close with those who I sleep with, and i want them to know I love my partner and will always be there for her and our child. But, there's space for them too, if they want in. Ideally, my partner likes and accepts them too - and the more close they are as friends (or even lovers too) the better.
In any case, that's the dream I guess. Nothing has happened yet, and I find with a baby to look after, I'm in no rush, and certainly even with everything out in the open, it's still too much drama to navigate at the moment. But if it does happen one day, at least it won't result in a litany of lies that lead to guilt and suffering all around. At least, that's the idea. I know it will never be quite that easy in reality, but it wouldn't be life otherwise!
Wonder how it would work out if his gf reularly engaged in sex with anyone she wanted for a physical activity.
I don't think the relationship would continue "working".
Remember that Beyonce song about the guy who cheated on her, but it's cool because she wasn't that into him and the other guy she's been seeing is on his way over to replace him?
Sometimes everybody sucks at being in a relationship.
I really hope songs like this die out.
Kinda like how millennials killed Boomer Humor and the "I hate my wife" jokes, GenZ should kill songs about being a POS.
Shaggy with his "It Wasn't Me" bullshit always rubbed me the wrong way. "My girl caught me fucking another woman." Gaslight that bitch. "She was staring at me balls-deep in our neighbor on the floor of our bathroom." Gaslight that bitch. "No, really, she was standing there watching us both, buck-ass naked. She never took her eyes off me. She knows what I look like. She knows our neighbor lady. I can't believe I forgot that she has a key to my place, and she just walked in on us mid-coitus in the shower. I'm telling you, she's not a fucking moron." Gaslight that bitch.
Why not just have two relationships?
Because that might require honest, open communication. And result in more satisfying relationships, wherein the parties to the relationships can actually get what they desire. Who wants that? /s. Hmm, is there a polyamory magazine on the Fediverse? I hadn’t looked… dang, I searched, yielded nada. Am I obligated to make one, now? We’re building a whole new social media. Each contributing as they will.
While it’s not my bag I very much believe people should love the way that makes them and all fully consenting members happy, but there’s not a lot of people that want to be part of something like that tbh. The polyamory itself I mean, not the sub. You should totally make a sub if there isn’t one
Some people are monogamous and they are allowed to be in relationships that are satisfying and make them happy.
Then why cheat?
Because sometimes people would rather lie and sneak around than have an adult conversation about relationship expectations.
Its not the most sensitive info here, but you shouldn't censor things using non-opaque markings. It's pretty trivial to throw the image in an editor, crank up the brightness, and see what's behind the censor in this case. Just wanna let you know in case you happen to do this to some sensitive info
Someone should have told my exwife this handy life hack. Would have saved me untold grief and depression. However, life can throw you a beautiful little surprise after a nightmare. If it wasn't for that godawful woman, I never would have met the love of my life, the woman who I spent my whole life waiting for and now enjoying what it means to be happily married to my biggest crush, my best friend and waking up right next to her and our little family every morning. I can safely say it was all worth it. It could have been easier to get here but I'd do it again on legendary difficulty if I had to.
I have an baseless theory that people that first has sexual experience when they were young or in strict households and had to sneak around and hide their relationships are more likely to want to chest because the "thrill" of hiding the relationship and tabbooness of it reminds them of their formative sexaul experiences.
Aye, I think that's why there's so much step sister step brother porn as well
Because people desire both romantic companionship and sexual exploration, but society pressures us to choose one or the other, and shames us for even trying to communicate our needs and wants to our partners as a form of selfishness, so we end up doing whatever makes us happy, at the detriment of others' happiness, when it never had to be that way.
There they go blaming society for being too afraid to have a conversation with their partner again...
Sometimes ending the relationship will harm third parties, but the core relationship is harmful to one or both of the people in it. In a case like that cheating may be the least bad option.
No.
Yeah, I never understood it either. Either have an open relationship with consent, or communicate whatever needs you have that you want to fulfill by cheating properly, and accept that it may not work out if there is truly no way to meet them. I guess I can at least abstractly understand when it happens spur-of-the moment and under the influence of drugs/alcohol, but I still can't properly put myself in those shoes.
Because being adult in age isn't at all the same thing as being adult in maturity plus often people derive different benefits in different kinds of relationships so they want to keep both going (for example, somebody in his or her 40s happilly married with kids and yet getting excitement and sexual pleasure with a younger lover).
Also there are often huge social and financial implications to breaking up certain types of relationships or under certain conditions, but people might still be irresistibly drawn to something else, so they play a game to both sides not wanting the costs nor willing to run the risk of losing one to get the other.
It's a mix of selfishness, immaturity, cowardice and people changing over time and discovering that the stable relationship they're in doesn't fit them (either anymore or they get to a point were they figure out it never trully did)
because someone can get stuck in a toxic relationship, not because the person was bad, but was suicidal and had so much issues that you're afraid that ending it could make them kill themselfs, and you don't want to hurt them because isn't their fault, but you don't want a relatioship anymore
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