For lack of a beter example, on stackoverflow, when someone down votes you, it comes with a comment saying how to improve. ... These platforms are a joy to use

I don't know what part of the internet you are from, but where I am from, Stackoverflow is looked down on as the quintessential example of toxic behaviour.

I've found some of the most dismissive people in tiny stack exchange groups, and experienced similar unexplained downvotes.

What SO, Reddit, and Lemmy maybe all have in common I think, is people tend to agree or disagree based on their convictions, as opposed to agreeing or disagreeing as a means of interaction.

I guess this puts the conflict and disagreement front and center. But at least then I know where people stand.

Perhaps it's important to not take opinions too personally, and remember that incencere agreement has its own problems.