I think you deserve all the hugs in the world for having to feel that way 🫂 That's heartbreaking. I know you can't do anything about how it all is and you're unbelievably bright and level-headed and observant for all you've been through, but I hope so much you do find your own family when you become independent and get some of those happy family vibes in your real life. The physical feeling of belonging and security is absolutely unmatched. May you get to experience that for real with good people who will be there for you :D