I stopped going to any supports i had for 4 years at the moment cause i felt like i couldn't communicate what I want because if i say i don't know how to do some basic life skills they put me in a group with non functional people who basically have to be babied 24/7 which makes me feel too stupid for help.
Or that I sit down twiddling my thumbs the whole day cause I'm too afraid to ask if I should be doing anything at all cause I assume everything I do is wrong even if I know that's bull.
I have severe trust issues (especially with myself) so I always expect the worse in everyone which is also fuelled by a lot of "normal" or "happy" thing bringing back traumatic memories so it feels like I can't live in the happy society they have.
That I can disappear easily without a care from anybody makes me feel like there's no hope for me to improve and have a basic and normal life, that all I can be is a hollow husk who is technically alive cause I sleep, consume and poop but that all I do until nobody provides me the bare minimum.
Edit I wanted to also add I've been misdiagnosed as autistic but I did the test when I was suicidal (tell me if i should edit that out cause of rule 4) at the time so I half assed it but nobody listens or cares.
Also elight comment reminded me of being medically abused by HeadSpace where they were giving me a different antidepressant every week so I'm sure they weren't working as intended and i don't think that works for trauma but i was forced to take them cause they threaten me with ECT Electro shock therapy which terrified me and made me afraid of meds unless I'm in extreme pain and that more me running from the pain overpowering my fear of med and psychiatrist
No cause i don't feel like I'm in the right mind for any diagnosis right now cause i feel like i need to be in a better state so my traumatized behaviour isn't misdiagnosed again.
Edit: also your post reminds me of being medically abused cause of being suicidal and being threaten with electro shock therapy so I'm reluctant to have any meds unless I'm in severe pain and that's more running away from the pain and i'll add it to the main post as well.
That's horrible! Again, I'm so sorry. Please, be kind to yourself as much as you can be. Shame often stands in the way of healing!
If you're able to, I would suggest starting with therapy. A therapist can help sort out what is trauma and what is a mental illness. After that, you have the information to take to a psychiatrist. I highly recommend seeing a local psychiatrist in person, not a virtual visit.
It can be difficult and discouraging to find a therapist, but the payoff is worth it.