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How is nicotine legal?
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You seem to understand what happened decently well already, why did you really make this post? Your situation reminds me of my wife's father who was in a similar situation, over 40, ex meth user who had ended up on cigarettes and really abused himself until he got cancer from the cigs and passed and his negligence for his own life really hurt my wife and her family. He was a badass dude, and I regret I didn't know him better.
I hope you can find a reason to treat yourself better, especially if anyone loves or relies on you, it's the best reason I have to do decent in life, it'd never be for me, it'd be for my loved ones.