I feel you.

I've had a hard life, too. Not in the same way - for me, it was the Army, backpacking, rollerblading everywhere, skiing every year since childhood, dabbling in various martial arts, and just a lot of physical activity. Now, later in life I have chronic back pain, my knees are shot, and I have arthritis. I can't do any of those physical activities that I loved so much anymore, I'm tired of corrective surgeries, and I'm just weary of being in constant pain. I used to obsess about the fact that I couldn't avoid dying some day; now, it's comforting to know someday the pain will be over.

So I get where you're coming from, and I hope you can get to a better place.

If I'm allowed two minor rants: a highly physical life will wear you down. The body wears out: being active makes it happen faster. Obviously, being obese brings it's own issues, but the fact that we (Americans) villify sedentary lifestyles but glorify sports is unbalanced. The rule should be: moderation in all things.

My second rant: because of the opioid crisis, people who are in chronic pain are treated like addicts. Medical professionals are now terrified of using the best pain management tool available to us today. Example: my wife is going in for a major surgery - they're literally cutting her abdomen open, taking her guts out, cutting a bunch of stuff that shouldn't be there out, and stitching her back together. The recovery period will be months. She's been tld going in that they want to manage the pain without opioids -- which isn't "managing" the fucking pain, it's just forcing her to suffer through it. All because of laws and regulations punishing the prescription of opioids has doctor afraid of doing it. It makes me furious.

You seem to understand what happened decently well already, why did you really make this post? Your situation reminds me of my wife's father who was in a similar situation, over 40, ex meth user who had ended up on cigarettes and really abused himself until he got cancer from the cigs and passed and his negligence for his own life really hurt my wife and her family. He was a badass dude, and I regret I didn't know him better.

I hope you can find a reason to treat yourself better, especially if anyone loves or relies on you, it's the best reason I have to do decent in life, it'd never be for me, it'd be for my loved ones.