Feel like I don't fit in anywhere no matter where the where is. I've been in a gajillion World of Warcraft guilds over my almost 19 years of playing. And in all that time I've never met anyone who was a lasting friend or play partner. When I was in school I tried to join the LGBTQIA+ plus club and was ostracized out of the first get together I went to because I said I didn't have a problem talking to respectful people about my trans status. I have no friends in person (especially since I don't leave the house but once a week to get groceries) and have maybe one friend online but we don't really have anything to connect over or do together.

Every time I find a place to call 'home' it feels like I'm not wanted in that space after a period of time that is short as a few hours to a year later. When I try to talk about the thing a group is about I'm not positive enough for them or I'm too intense.

Each day I wake up and curse to myself that I did. Like I want to break down crying but I can't. I'm so worn out and it doesn't matter. I can't talk to my mom about it. I can't talk to my friend about it. I'm too poor to get help and I don't have a 20 year medical record following me to get help. If I died in my sleep it'd at least be an end to my constant silent suffering, the tinnitus, the lack of energy, the dysphoria and physical pain. No more loneliness or cursing the monster in the mirror whos skin I am forced to wear.