How do you ask for help? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by kira_ananta to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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I feel like I give help easily but I don't feel ok asking. How do you become ok with asking for help? I have no idea what conversations that include this even sound like. In my mind I come across as begging and losing connection with the person or people I ask. How can I think about this differently?

Edit: a little more context, although this applies generally I think. I recently got surgery. I have enough help at home to get by, but it would be nice I suppose if a friend wanted to help out in some way too while I recover. I'm not exactly sure what kind of help that would entail, maybe cleaning or cooking or even just visiting. But I struggle with asking for help in even "normal" circumstances, like moving, or a major project, or even just emotional support.

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[-] Vent@lemm.ee 28 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

There was a study a few years ago that found that asking someone for help actually strengthens your relationship and makes them like you more. IIRC it was on workplace interactions. The basic idea being that if you ask someone for help, it shows you have trust and confidence in them and they get to feel useful, which people generally enjoy.

Obviously that's going to depend on the type of help. If I need help moving or with some mental issue, that's going to be a more appreciated ask than if I ask for money. Not that asking for money is always a bad thing, so long as it's a legitimate need and doesn't become a habit I think most people would be happy to help out a friend low on cash. It's better to get financial help from friends and family than from some predatory payday loan that is designed to keep you in debt for the rest of your life.

[-] Vent@lemm.ee 9 points 1 year ago

This isn't the study I was referring to, but it's more recent and came to the same conclusion: https://news.stanford.edu/2022/09/08/asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize/

[-] kira_ananta 7 points 1 year ago

This is amazing, thank you! I particularly appreciated this quote:

people want to help, but they can’t help if they don’t know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively, or whether it is their place to help – perhaps they want to respect others’ privacy or agency. A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness and unlocks opportunities for positive social connections. It can also create emotional closeness when you realize someone trusts you enough to share their vulnerabilities, and by working together toward a shared goal.

It's hard to keep this in mind, I think. I think I face too much fear of rejection and that stops me from taking an action like this that could ultimately do the exact opposite. Fascinating!

[-] Vent@lemm.ee 2 points 1 year ago

Vulnerability is frightening and challenging, but it's also a crucial part of human connection that can be very liberating. It can be really helpful to acknowledge the need to be vulnerable and to realize the hurdles to it and the benefits of it.

Here is a super popular Ted talk on vulnerability that just about everyone could benefit from watching: The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

[-] itsyourmom@artemis.camp 3 points 1 year ago

What a great video that was! I really enjoyed watching it, and I laughed and could totally relate to what she was saying. Thank you very much for sharing this!

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this post was submitted on 30 Aug 2023

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