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this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2026
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Alright, here's the backstory:
Eris, the goddess of being a bit of a dick, didn't get invited to a wedding because she's a dick. But she came anyway, and brought an apple that said "for the prettiest goddess". Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite happened to be at the wedding, and they had a bit of an argument over who was the prettiest. Eventually, they decided to go ask Paris, the king of Troy.
All three of the goddeses decided to bribe Paris. Hera was like "I'm queen of the gods and I can make you king of Asia." Athena was like "I'm the goddess of strategy and I can make you the best general who ever lived." And Aphrodite was like "Fuck those old hags, I can hook you up with the hottest babe in the world." Paris chose to be a horndog and said Aphrodite was the prettiest. So Aphrodite yoinked Helen from her loving husband and told her to bang Paris.
Helen's husband, Menelaus, was unhappy with this. Fortunately for him, he'd just got done founding ancient Greek NATO, and he called in all his favours. So every hero and warrior in all of Greece sailed off to Troy to get Helen back. Unfortunately for Menelaus, the Trojans had massive walls. So everyone spent a while killing each other pointlessly while the gods took sides and got involved in more petty drama.
Eventually Achilles goes on a gay rampage and dies, and Odysseus builds a giant wooden horse. Odysseus sneaks his best troops into Troy and they sack the place and steal all their money. And everyone thought it was awesome and high fived and chest bumped.
So then all the Greeks, including Odysseus, get back into their ships full of treasure and decide to go home. And unfortunately for Odysseus, Poseidon fucking hates him for no reason. Which is a rough position to be in during a sea voyage!
One more thing you should know, OP: Odysseus is an antihero.
All the best heroes in ancient Greece are a strong guy who's good with a sword, and has more than two brain cells. Odysseus is strong by normal people standards, but he's not the incredible Hulk. He's the smart one. He's the Iron Man of the Greeks.
Odysseus' favourite weapon is the bow, because he prefers to fight from a distance to keep himself safe. He's a liar and a cheat who uses trickery to deal with bad guys. In traditional Greek culture, all of this makes him a coward and calls his worthiness to be a hero into question.
And yet, Odysseus is the guy who actually won the Trojan War for the Greeks. He accomplished way more than Achilles, the homoerotic, throbbingly erect pillar of traditional Greek masculinity.
This tension is super important during scenes like the one where he tells Polythremus his name is Nobody. That one's in the Odyssey and it's awesome. Odysseus is the bad boy. The Greeks had a harder time rooting for him, because he uses his brains more often than his muscles.
Pretty sure that's the Iliad.
Yeah the Iliad is the backstory to the Odyssey. The Odyssey is the sequel.
"ancient Greek NATO" lmao