Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
I think in my case it might be related to emotional neglect? But it's difficult to figure that out, because it's difficult to remember the things that didn't happen, obviously.
And I don't really know that much about my parents, rarely talked to them, even though I lived with them for 30 years.
Neglect is definitely something which can cause CPTSD-like reactions in the psyche. Emotional neglect was a part of my upbringing as well. For what it's worth, I actually have been able to identify it somewhat by talking with friends who had healthier emotional upbringings, and noting what they experienced and I did not.
Talking with your parents so little that you don't even know much about them after living together for 30 years definitely counts as neglect.
I'd recommend having a look at the book "Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" just to see if what it describes matches. It does talk about emotional neglect as one of the things which can cause long-lasting problems.
Yeah, i've read that book and found it very fitting. That's why I started looking into this. I'm still not sure how to move forward though, I've had some improvements but still experience anxiety attacks and nightmares (without knowing the cause). And I just don't remember anything from my childhood.
I stayed for a long time with a friend already, and I notice the big difference in how they approach life and contact with their family.
They even visited my family once, but didn't want to return anymore. Even though they were kind and welcoming (I think), they felt stressed when they visited.