Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Yeah, i've read that book and found it very fitting. That's why I started looking into this. I'm still not sure how to move forward though, I've had some improvements but still experience anxiety attacks and nightmares (without knowing the cause). And I just don't remember anything from my childhood.
I stayed for a long time with a friend already, and I notice the big difference in how they approach life and contact with their family.
They even visited my family once, but didn't want to return anymore. Even though they were kind and welcoming (I think), they felt stressed when they visited.