for the record, i've always been kind of a mess in terms of gender. i'm afab and was raised a girl until i discovered that i didn't have to be a girl in 2020 with the boom in lgbtqia+ campaigns and visibility. i consider most of what i do as a girl a performance, and i don't ever think being a woman fully stuck with me like cis people. add to that, my extreme loneliness and just isolation from being odd socially was suddenly cured when i started crossdressing on roblox. it felt nice to be referred to as a man, but over time it was really limiting my options because i was constantly scared of being outed or seen as gay. i also enjoyed being feminine from time to time and being restricted of that didn't feel great. so i usually blocked all my roblox friends and lived in hyperfeminity for a while until the dysphoria hits me again. for me dysphoria feels like a vague sense of discontent and longing for something different. it feels like having to force a bland porridge down in order to not starve. when it was from a man's perspective, i would look at women with jealousy for the freedom to be expressive, but i'm not sure if i wanted to be them for longer than a day or two. the dysphoria is different for each side. add to that, my internal sense of everything leaned more non binary. i liked gendered expression, but at my absolute core i am a being that can't be described with words. i mean how can you explain what a soul's flavor is like? anyway, i was cycling like that (i was non binary, genderfluid, genderflux, ftm, blah blah blah) from late elementary school till early-mid high school, for that matter.
i decided recently on going with an identity that's transmasc and occasionally dresses/acts feminine. i figured i've gotten so used to being masculine i might as well just pick a gender "home" in masculinity, and venture out to feminity whenever being masculine wasn't cutting it. i picked a name after thinking about it for a while (andrew) and i've kind of fully basked in this state of being.
the problem is i get a sense of foreboding when i think about my new name and a slight sense of being limiting. the foreboding could be explained that i actually have a lot of past names over the years from identifying as a guy online, and none of them sticked. maybe this is anxiety because i don't fully believe it will stick based on past experience. limiting is because it's a full-masc name. if i were to dress as a girl again i'd be outed by my name. could i just use my birth name (anna) in that case? i don't know.
another problem is i'm looking at binders, boxers, and heavyweight cotton t-shirts for myself, and even thinking about T. i feel a bit caught off guard, and i'm starting to think that maybe i don't really want to be a man but a woman with a man exterior (whatever that means..), or that i'm a girl in denial, or that i won't be able to go back if i buy the binder. i don't really want to have a full beard or be hairy for that matter. i'd rather look slightly feminine. maybe i'm modeling it too much based on what i've read in manhwas than reality, idk. i also "check" for feelings i get whenever i switch between the two names, and anna feels like i can breathe and warms me up a bit, but andrew feels slightly intoxicating and heavy (i have OCD, so sometimes i based things off their feelings as a decision). i don't know if this means i should only live as a guy online, or if i should switch the two roles (be feminine in game, and irl be masculine). i'm just so confused and nervous.
i'm really scared that the name i seem to love so much will become my ball and chain, especially if i come out (planning on coming out soon) and they accept my new identity.
i guess only time will tell if it's just a phase this time or not.
As most people believe gender is actually not always that gender gfor everyone. Some just stick to one gender there whole life. Others transition to one they feel comfortable as. People like me, well my gender changes so often and so differently each time that it's not possible for me to keep up.
Gender is not "you are this or that" gender is "who I am right now".
Be you, whoever you are at this current time and know you are valid and that it is ok.
Remember that what you dress or look like is separate from gender as well as sexuality. These are three different things. And they all also can change and that's also ok.
You don't need to be any specific gender sexuality or appearance all the time. You can be any or all or none whenever you wish.
I should know as my gender I consider "Schroeder's gender" whenever I am perceived my gender changes.
i am quite comfortable with just being unlabeled and i guess agender/non binary in my experience, but the problem is society is constantly putting me into a box (i must be a woman since i have a feminine voice) and i almost always end up trying to do something to change their viewpoint of me out of dysphoria. this means my gender expression is probably masculine because it shuts up people and the voices in my head more than femininity. i also just dislike the superficiality i see with a lot of feminine things. i've always yearned to be part of the guys as well, so i guess it all mixed together and formed this inherent need for masculinity when i'm constantly perceived as feminine. but now that i AM masculine, i feel like i have to stick to being masculine all the time, which isn't making my core happy and reminding me i have attachments to femininity.
demigenderflux? partially non binary/agender, partially masc/fem and the intensity of these feelings change? ahhhh idk what to do (i feel like i need a label to just stop the confusion, ironic as it is)
I stopped trying to label my gender like a decade ago and I stopped caring what society or other people see me as.
Tbh it is kinda entertaining watching people get really confused on what gender I am.
Safety wise I am "female" in places where my safety is required but friends family and just everywhere else I'm just me. Whatever the fuck hat Is at that time.
Society views on gender sexuality and all of that are completely fucked up and just stupid so I ignore it as best I can. If someone doesn't like me as me then they can never talk to me again. (Besides safety wise like at work and shit).
That's just my experience over coming out as trans 20 years ago.