for the record, i've always been kind of a mess in terms of gender. i'm afab and was raised a girl until i discovered that i didn't have to be a girl in 2020 with the boom in lgbtqia+ campaigns and visibility. i consider most of what i do as a girl a performance, and i don't ever think being a woman fully stuck with me like cis people. add to that, my extreme loneliness and just isolation from being odd socially was suddenly cured when i started crossdressing on roblox. it felt nice to be referred to as a man, but over time it was really limiting my options because i was constantly scared of being outed or seen as gay. i also enjoyed being feminine from time to time and being restricted of that didn't feel great. so i usually blocked all my roblox friends and lived in hyperfeminity for a while until the dysphoria hits me again. for me dysphoria feels like a vague sense of discontent and longing for something different. it feels like having to force a bland porridge down in order to not starve. when it was from a man's perspective, i would look at women with jealousy for the freedom to be expressive, but i'm not sure if i wanted to be them for longer than a day or two. the dysphoria is different for each side. add to that, my internal sense of everything leaned more non binary. i liked gendered expression, but at my absolute core i am a being that can't be described with words. i mean how can you explain what a soul's flavor is like? anyway, i was cycling like that (i was non binary, genderfluid, genderflux, ftm, blah blah blah) from late elementary school till early-mid high school, for that matter.

i decided recently on going with an identity that's transmasc and occasionally dresses/acts feminine. i figured i've gotten so used to being masculine i might as well just pick a gender "home" in masculinity, and venture out to feminity whenever being masculine wasn't cutting it. i picked a name after thinking about it for a while (andrew) and i've kind of fully basked in this state of being.

the problem is i get a sense of foreboding when i think about my new name and a slight sense of being limiting. the foreboding could be explained that i actually have a lot of past names over the years from identifying as a guy online, and none of them sticked. maybe this is anxiety because i don't fully believe it will stick based on past experience. limiting is because it's a full-masc name. if i were to dress as a girl again i'd be outed by my name. could i just use my birth name (anna) in that case? i don't know.

another problem is i'm looking at binders, boxers, and heavyweight cotton t-shirts for myself, and even thinking about T. i feel a bit caught off guard, and i'm starting to think that maybe i don't really want to be a man but a woman with a man exterior (whatever that means..), or that i'm a girl in denial, or that i won't be able to go back if i buy the binder. i don't really want to have a full beard or be hairy for that matter. i'd rather look slightly feminine. maybe i'm modeling it too much based on what i've read in manhwas than reality, idk. i also "check" for feelings i get whenever i switch between the two names, and anna feels like i can breathe and warms me up a bit, but andrew feels slightly intoxicating and heavy (i have OCD, so sometimes i based things off their feelings as a decision). i don't know if this means i should only live as a guy online, or if i should switch the two roles (be feminine in game, and irl be masculine). i'm just so confused and nervous.

i'm really scared that the name i seem to love so much will become my ball and chain, especially if i come out (planning on coming out soon) and they accept my new identity.

i guess only time will tell if it's just a phase this time or not.