I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.

I'm not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.

The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I'm not sure he'll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.

I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don't feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.

I think I need a therapist to process this. I don't understand my emotions at ALL yet.