I’ve been told my anxiety is caused by the ADHD in the first place. The untreated symptoms cause me problems and that makes me anxious on top of anxiety helping me to compensate for my shortcomings.

So if I have to do something at a specific time I’m anxious the night before and day of so I don’t forget to do my task. I’m also anxious because of a history of failure and the consequences of such being severe at times.

Now for the meds specifically I know they help and I don’t feel shame in taking them, but I also don’t want to for some reason… It could partially be the fear of running out of meds but uh… I’ve squirrelled away so much of it that it’s expiring from sitting around so that shouldn’t be an issue.

Trying to articulate what it feels like… I guess I think about the fact that I should take them whenever I recognize my symptoms are causing me problems and my brain does a big “I don’t want to. Nope.” So I go okay, then we don’t have to right this moment but we need to try to start using them again. Think of all the stuff you’re able to do! It’s so nice to not struggle to do basic things all the time. So then I try to acclimate myself to the idea to make the stern NO voice quiet down.

Step 1. Grab a drink then the pill bottle. Nope. Don’t want to. Okay, retry tomorrow.

Repeat until holding bottle is not causing immense distress.

Step 2. Grab a drink then the bottle. Open the bottle. Nope, close it. Okay, back to step 1. If I can do it, move onto the next step.

Eventually get to the point where the pill is at my lips and I just need to shove it in and swallow.

Get overwhelmed, give up after a while. Stopped trying entirely for many months.

And now we’re here where I woke up incredibly anxious, shut my brain off and snatched the bottle out of my drawer and tossed the pill in my mouth. Swallowed. Done. Cool but uh… how do I keep taking them now? Sure the momentum might keep me going for a while but this pattern of behaviour that seems to happen every few years.