As far as I'm concerned, you're a woman. Plus I mean, look at you, you're already suffering and being crippled by misogyny. It's already preventing you from existing as you want to be. You're a woman.

As for the rest of what you said. I want to tell you something. I think you're making a mistake.

I'm part of a mutual aid network. I get to see and talk to a lot of trans people. Your story is a very common one, and I can tell you this: Every single person that I have met like you eventually eecided to go ahead and actually transition socially and all had the same thing to say: I wish I did it sooner.

Being trans comes with a lot of suffering sadly, but not just. Quite the contrary. It's so much more than this. And, in a lot of ways, it's not that it makes the pain worth it, it gives it meaning. It makes it makes sense. You're not just suffering in the void anymore. It won't fix any of your problems, but it will give you so many reasons to fix them.

There was never a good time to transition. And because of that, the best time to transition is always now. No matter how painful things can be, living through life and through these pains as yourself, your real self is always better. Even that pain at least can be real, but it's not just that. It is so much more than pain. It's community, it's living, it's freeing. It's so much joy that most people will never be able to understand.

If being transfeminine is who you are, you can try and run away from it, but it will chase you and it will find you eventually. You're trying to avoid something that can't be avoided. You can't change who you are. You can't wish it away. One day it will need to come out, and when you do that, no matter when it is, you will be filled with regret and bitterness about not having done it sooner. Might as well do it now.

You can do it.

You deserve it.

It's worth it.

Don't let anyone stop you.

Go be you, girl.