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Am I Bisexual?
(jamiearpinricci.medium.com)
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this post was submitted on 10 Jun 2023
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Bisexual
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This is a community for bisexuals, their allies, friends, family, anyone curious about us or our community, or just people who want to hang out.
Bisexual means different things to different people, and I'm not going to tell you what it should mean to you. But one thing I will say is that being bisexual does NOT mean being trans-exclusionary. We love no matter what dingles, dongles, or dangles you do or do not have in your pants.
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The archive link seems to be broken, so here is the article:
Am I Bisexual? by Jamie Arpin-Ricci
As long as I have been writing about bisexuality, I have been receiving messages from people all over the world asking much the same questions: “How do I know if I’m bisexual?”
After dissuading them from trusting a BuzzFeed quiz result, I often find that a conversation about assumptions, misunderstandings, and fear happens and is enough to bring clarity to this question. (And more often than not, when you are genuinely asking yourself this question, the answer is fairly likely to be “yes”).
Ultimately, deciding to identify as bisexual (or not) is entirely your decision. There is no panel of judges. There are no qualifying tests. You do NOT have to score above 50% on a queer-o-meter to gain entry. No, instead, all that is required is for your to decide if it seems right for you. This article is merely a tool designed to help you bring clarity. What Is Bisexuality?
While this may seem like a straightforward question (no pun intended), all too often the topic of definitions can be more complicated and unhelpful than you might think. For example, if we were to rely on an online dictionary (such as the Oxford Languages one), we would get something like this: “the quality or characteristic of being sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender.”
Like any dictionary definition (especially an online one), it is very concise. And that’s part of the problem. Like most things important, a single, short sentence will be hard-pressed to get the job done. And in the case of this particular example, it has the added problem of defining bisexuality in the negative (i.e. “not exclusively). So, while a starting point for understanding, such definitions are not nearly enough.
Then, of course, we have to acknowledge that different terms mean different things to different people. Personal experience, cultural context, and even language will shape how one defines and understands bisexuality. Therefore, it is important to note that what I share here is just my take and in no way lays claim to having it all worked out.
After years of hearing many different definitions (such as it meaning: attraction to men and women; attraction to all sexes or genders; love beyond gender, etc.), I have come to most commonly use the explanation put forward by Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist:
The other thing that I have found helpful is the idea of bisexuality being an umbrella concept under which a diverse expression of identities can be found. I first became aware of this concept through the writings of Shiri Eisner, a bisexual activist and author of the critically important book “Bi: Note for a Bisexual Revolution”. Eisner provided these two images to demonstrate.
While I won’t unpack it in detail here, you might learn a great deal by researching some of the words listed, as well as checking out Eisner’s work.
All of this to say, bisexuality is a lot of things with room for different experiences, understandings, and expressions. If you can find yourself in that mix and the term bisexual fits, then perhaps that answers your question.
But Wait!
Ok, so it may not be all that easy. In all likelihood, you still have lots of questions. All too often, many of the questions people have are rooted in myths and misunderstandings about bisexuality that complicate matters. So let’s take a look at a few of these questions and unpack them:
“Doesn’t the ‘bi’ in ‘bisexual’ mean binary, meaning only men and women?”
While the prefix “bi-” does mean two, it would be incorrect to interpret this to mean that bisexual folks are only attracted to two genders. First of all, language is fluid (and English is clumsy), so applying a literal meaning to every prefix and suffix would be problematic in many areas. However, for many of us, the “bi” actually refers to a different “two”. As Robyn Ochs puts it:
Another important reason that I use the term “bisexual” is because of its connection to the historical bisexual (and wider LGBTQ+) movement(s). This is to honour the bisexual folks who have done so much for us under that title. It is also about ease of communication. While I can (and often do) identify as pansexual, omnisexual, and queer, in some contexts where bisexual is more familiar, it is a helpful starting point.
So, again, referring back to Robyn Ochs’s explanation of bisexuality, there is no binary limit to attraction as many falsely claim.
“Isn’t being bisexual just a stopping point before being fully gay/lesbian?”
Unfortunately, this is a myth that seems to be particularly prevalent among LGBTQ+ folks (though far more so among gay and lesbian folks in particular). It is not entirely uncommon for some gay/lesbian folks, still wrestling with coming to, to identify as bisexual before coming to accept their more authentic sense of self. For many of them, this is done without any intention to misrepresent and is often done out of fear, something that is entirely understandable.
The problem comes, however, when such experiences are projected onto others as universal. The vast majority of people who identify as bisexual maintain that identity. And of the small minority who do change how they identify, many reflect an honest shift in self-awareness and/or liberty. Sadly, there is a small minority of people who change how they identify, not out of authentic understanding, but under pressure from the queer community itself (see my piece on bisexual denial here).
This is a dangerous myth because the very existence of bisexuality as a genuine reality is still a battle that we are fighting. Even as we make progress in understanding, too little time and resources are being spent on bisexuality (and what little is expended is often focused on merely proving our existence). Bisexuality is very real, valid, and, frankly, amazing.
“Isn’t everyone a little bit bisexual?”
Most people, regardless of sexual orientation, can potentially find people of all genders attractive. Further, it is true that labels such as “bisexual”, “gay”, “straight”, or otherwise are broad and generalized, not able to encompass the diversity, flexibility, and fluidity of human experience. And many people have gone through a phase of “bi-curiosity”, where they have explored their sexuality beyond their presumed orientation.
Yet none of these points negates the legitimacy and distinctiveness of the bisexual experience and identity. Our relative inability to acknowledge attractiveness in people without sexualizing it is its own problem in our culture. And most of us accept the limitations of language and recognize that life is more complex than that. And a passing curiosity does not constitute a capacity for genuine and ongoing relationship.
The fact is this: If “everyone is a little bit bisexual”, then it would be equally true to nobody is gay, straight, or otherwise. However, most of us wouldn’t go that far. Why? Because the logic is almost exclusively applied to bisexuality and is an expression of bisexual erasure. And in some cases, when connected to the fetishization of bisexual women, it is an outcropping of misogyny and patriarchy. This kind of mentality is deeply harmful and must be resisted.
“You’ve never been with someone of the same gender? You aren’t really bisexual then.”
This kind of expectation that we must prove our queerness by having sex is another example of double-standard. After all, when a terrified teenage boy bravely comes out as gay for the first time, do we demand that they have sex before claiming that label? And if by some sad accident, he died before ever having sex with another man, would we deny he was ever really gay? Of course not!
We recognize that sexual orientation is not something that is proven or validated by acting on it, but something intrinsic to our personhood, something to be honoured and celebrated. If, when, and how a bisexual person appropriately explores their sexuality with a partner is their business alone. In no way does it speak to the validity of their identity.
Common Questions:
In this section, I want to try to answer some of the most common questions I get from people who are trying to figure out if they are bisexual and/or how to embrace that identity more fully and truly in their lives.
“If my attraction isn’t 50/50, am I really bisexual?”
First of all, we want to be careful with the language of “50/50” because it suggests a limited binary attraction. While that might be true for you, because that way of thinking is often used to delegitimize bisexuality as a whole, finding more inclusive language can help others by changing the typical narrative. So, instead, you might frame it like this: “What if I am not equally attracted to different genders? Am I still bisexual?”
The answer is yes! Referring back to the description by Robyn Ochs, our attractions do not have to express themselves in equal measures. You can be attracted to different genders but “not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree”. Further, attraction is multi-faceted.
For example, you might be more romantically attracted to one gender, while more sexually attracted to another. Or you might not have sexual attraction any genders, but feel deep romantic connections (biromantic asexuality). The point is that the diversity of how our attractions express themselves is vast (and sometimes fluid), so don’t worry about fitting to any expectation, lining up with someone else’s experience, or not feeling “queer enough”.
“I think I might technically be pansexual. Can I still call myself bisexual?”
While there isn’t enough space in this article to explore the difference, overlap, and nuance of the many identity descriptors out there, I think it is important to acknowledge this. As I stated above, I use the terms, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, and queer depending on the context. There is overlap between each of these while each expresses a distinctive. Others will find this problematic and/or inaccurate based upon their understanding of these terms.
The fact is that these terms have come to be understood and used differently by different people, in different contexts, and at different times. There is no definitive, final glossary that resolves these differences (and likely never will be). Ultimately, then, we have to trust people to define themselves in terms that they feel are the most accurate, while at the same time not projecting those understandings onto others (and even less so, projecting expectations on others to embrace our understanding).
Does that mean that these terms have absolutely no objective meaning? Of course not. If used inappropriately or significantly inaccurately, we should try to engage in conversation to bring clarity. The Bisexual Umbrella images (see above) are very helpful with that. However, in the end, we cannot decide anything for others and can only embrace that which feels right and true for ourselves.
“I’m in a straight-presenting relationship, so is there any point in coming out?”
If and/or when you decide to come out is entirely up to you. No one gets to decide that except you. Inevitably some will say you “owe it to others to come out”. While your coming out can benefit others in profound ways, that is not for anyone to decide except you. And remember: Coming out is an ongoing process, with stages that take time and discernment. This is a critical foundation upon which to begin answering this question.
It is also important to note that not coming out comes at a price for the vast majority of people who choose not to. The mental health impact of hiding this aspect of yourself has been increasingly shown to do significant harm. Fear, anxiety, and shame can often fester as you end up working harder and harder to keep your secret.
Further, more recent studies have shown that bisexual folks in straight-presenting relationships can face even higher degrees of harmful outcomes. This is, in part, due to how being in a straight-presenting relationship often gives those around you a greater sense of liberty to speak/act in anti-LGBTQ+ ways. Not only is your orientation invisible, but your relationship is also most often assumed to be between two straight people, thus far less likely to be offended by such things.
Just because you are with an opposite-gender partner (or a partner that is presumed to fit that category) does not make you straight. Even though I am married to a woman, I don’t relate to my wife as a straight man. My bisexuality informs all of who I am, therefore is unchanged regardless of who I am in relationship with (or if I am in a relationship at all). By coming out you not only begin to reduce the risk of harm (while acknowledging that there are other risks you take on), you also give your relationship(s) the opportunity to be more authentic.
“Doesn’t being in a straight-presenting relationship mean you have straight privilege?”
This is, perhaps, one of the more controversial topics in this category, largely because there is a fair amount of disagreement among bisexual folks about this. For myself, I reject the notion that being in a straight-presenting relationship means that I have straight privilege (or privilege in general).
In order for me to access this so-called privilege, I am dependent on my wife. It is only with her that I have the benefits people are describing. Unlike my other privilege, such as being white, being a cisgender man, etc., this so-called privilege is not something I can possess independently. As Shiri Eisner says in her book:
This is not to say that I face the same risks as other couples who present as queer. Undeniably, two gay men face much higher risk in public than I do when I am out with my wife. This does not, however, constitute a privilege. I have a black son. How he is treated in public when he is alone is very different than how he is treated when he is out with me, his white father. Yes, there is an added protection, but it is a protection that is both dependent on my whiteness and serves to underline to my son that his value (in others eyes) is linked to his proximity to whiteness. That is not privilege.
Being mindful of privilege is important, especially as we consider these issues intersectionally. Yet equating a straight-presenting relationship as an inherent privilege to bisexual folks merely perpetuates bisexual erasure and the ongoing lie that bisexual folks are not “queer enough”. So, now what?
While I am under no illusion that this article will definitively answer the question, “Am I bisexual?” for everyone who reads it, I do hope it will have helped some of you find greater clarity. And if you have, indeed, come to realize that you are bisexual and want to begin the process of living into that identity, here are some suggestions of where to start.
There are many, many online spaces for bisexual folks- from Facebook groups to TikTok streams. It will take some time to explore them and find what is helpful for you, but it is time well spent. While a simple Google search will be enough to get you started, here are a few sites I find helpful:
bi.org (I have unlinked due to some issues with this site I have been made aware of) Bisexual Resource Center Human Rights Campaign
There are also some good books out there that can help you understand the wonderful, world of bisexuality. Here are just a few:
-Bi: Note from a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner -Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World by Robyn Ochs -Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out
Also, reach out to openly bisexual people who resonate with you. I get countless emails from all over the world and I love to help connect people to resources, community, and more (as I am able). Find spaces and people. It won’t always be easy- after all, bisexual folks face a lot of discrimination from both the queer community and the straight community. However, compared to the liberty of being who you truly are, it is often a price worth paying.*
I hope you have found this article helpful. Please share with others. Let’s work together to help each other find and embrace a truest, most whole selves.