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this post was submitted on 13 Apr 2026
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I swear, erotador makes one small comment about being poly and it turns into a winding ass thread about the ethics of monogamy. I may be poly, but if I was in a relationship with the expectation of monogamy, I'd feel betrayed if they then broke that expectation without telling me. The problem wouldn't be that they slept with someone, the problem would be that they lied. They would be free to be with whoever they want, but all of my relationships are contingent on open communication. If that communication isn't there, then the agreement is broken.
I mentioned somewhere here that I consider putting such expectations on someone unethical. If my partner has an affair they would tell me and I would be happy for her or neutral, but if they were hiding it, and lying then there was no really a relationship to begin with, just a lie that should end sooner than later.
And in another thread, I said that the social punishment for people who cheat is too severe, often being social isolation. For an infraction I would personally consider as bad as cheating on a diet. For something that causes no harm to anyone.
Do you actually think its unethical to expect people not to lie? Trying to understand here, very far from my own set of beliefs :)
just saying, that if they need to lie to fulfill their needs, then there isn't a relationship to begin with.
Makes sense, just your wording that confused me
i went into details on other aspects of monogamy I find internally unethical. Maybe cheating is bad, but at best it's a victimless crime, as bad a cheating on a diet. rather than it being published with social isolation.
life it too short to set up relationships based on the denial of feeling for others.
That i don't get at all. I really don't think it's too much to expect honesty from your significant other. In my world, that's about the one person where you owe absolute honesty, all other relations yeah lying ain't THAT big a deal.
Lying to yourself (breaking a diet) i agree is a victimless crime, but lying to others isn't, as that is at the expense of the person being deceived. Lying to a random ass person is of course much less a deal than lying to your significant other, and in both situations it's of course also dependant on the thing being lied about. A vegetarian would be very mad about being told a lie that the meal they were being served is vegetarian if it actually contained meat, and rightfully so imo.
In i think that might be getting to the core of it. It might not be a big deal to you, and that's of course totally okay and your right and just as natural as any other proposition, BUT, failing to recognize that this might be important to the person, and then proceed to lie about that thing just because you yourself don't think it's that big a deal, is not okay in my book.
For me, it's about respecting the internal worldview of the other person, and recognizing that it is just as important as my own. If something is a deal breaker for my partner, i don't give a rats ass how important I think it is, what's important is respecting that my partner cares a great deal about it. And if my partner cannot show the same towards me, that's not a relationship i want to be in. And we do all have the right to say no to a relationship we don't want, right?
That would be more like you are vegan and your partner had a steak yesterday by herself without you. IF you expect her to be vegan you might be upset, but she did not force you to eat anything.
It just seems like setting up a rule "You must remain chaste without me" is inherently irrational. and "Only I am the one you are allowed to receive romancing and intimate affection from" is not a good long term plan, given that all relationships (and people) change a grow with time.
I don't agree with your twist of my analogy. I expect you to be honest about a meal you serve to me if you know i care about its contents, just as i expect that you are honest about any other thing you know i find important. IMO thats the core of respect, and respect in a relationship is a huge thing for me.
So it might seem inherently irrational to you, i just dont get why that matters at all. Again, in my view, how the person i care about, feel about a particular thing that's important to them, supersedes how i personally feel about it, because i care about - and respect - the PERSON, not the thing in question.
But meal wise, she did not serve you anything wrong. all that she did is that she served another meal to someone else. You got your meal, exactly as you want to.
Otherwise is like me going to a restaurant and complain that despite my food being excellent, I was upset that the waiter had the audacity to serve someone else the same meal. It was meant only for me, because I am special, and only I get that meal.
I don't get what you're trying to say
Sidenote, don't know if you mean anything by the insistent use of 'she' so just to clarify, I'm bi, my hypothetical partner could just as easily be a dude or non binary or anything else really
You associate the meal to her, if she does something without you, it inherently changes the meal. and now you dont like the new meal.
I associate the meal to the relationship. you get your meals, and her having a snack somewhere else will in no way change the meals that you get with her. And being upset about it is like complaining that your meal in a restaurant is bad because other people also ordered the same.
I'm getting lost in the food analogy sorry, would you be willing to try and explain in a different manner?
Not sure how to continue.
If the only consequences of cheating is your emotions and the damages comes from your reaction (don't necessarily mean violent, I mean like breaking up) then the act itself might not be the bad thing but the way you react.
Life is too short to deny ourself relationships that bring us joy, and how cruel is to expect that from anyone, especially not those whom we love.
I disagree. I want my partner to respect my feelings, and to care about not hurting my feelings. I want that because i do the same, respect their feelings and care about not hurting theirs
To me, it is cruel to not care about the feelings of other people. I guess we differ on that