Because that body was so unpleasant I was considering suicide. There was a wrongness pervading every aspect of my life. And I've long liked the term "hormonal dysphoria" to describe how in some trans people such as myself the mere act of having the wrong sex hormone dominance essentially has very similar symptoms to major depression.

I tried plenty else first. I attempted to man up, I grew a beard and got somewhat strong. I tried being an effeminate man and cross dressing for a bit. I tried religion. When I transitioned there were still old trans people giving the old advice, to wait to transition until the only alternative was suicide. I hit that point at 19 and began hormones at 20, but in a more accepting world I'd've probably accepted myself at 16.

It can be really hard to understand why trans people transition - the answers are complicated and involve explanations of the neurobiology of sex and gender.

One way to help you understand is to imagine or even try out being in the wrong sex yourself - if you are male, imagine you were born a woman, they named you Sue and expect you to date boys, play with dolls, dress in frilly skirts and dresses, and so on. Why can't you just be Sue authentically? Why bother with horomones and social transition?

When it feels wrong to be in the wrong sex, it is due to how your brain developed as a fetus, and you can't help that the wrong sex hormones make you depressed and anxious, you can't help that your body feels completely wrong, you can't help that the only known solutions to the suffering is to take the right hormones, to fix the body and to live as your actual gender. Cis people don't have to go through that struggle, so it's harder for them to understand what it's like to be trans. It makes complete sense you would have difficulty understanding, even as a trans person I struggled to recognize I experienced gender dysphoria or that I needed to transition - it was not obvious at the time.

Many people go out of their way to transform their bodies, from diet and exercise to drugs and surgery. My question is why not? It's your flesh puppet; decorate it how you like.

For me at least, there's a pretty significant difference between being in a body i find revolting versus one I don't. I wanted to live my life as someone I could tolerate, who didn't make me feel disgusting.

I'm not underselling it, dysphoria is repulsive. I felt like a freak, I felt wrong. I just did whatever I had to do to fix that. Validation wasn't something I sought as much, it's certainly nice to be recognized but I transitioned for me first and foremost.