I am so sorry, but I need to vent, and the only person I manage to talk to has disappeared with no notice (probably just overwhelmed with life stuff but I hope they're okay. I'm worried.) I may end up deleting this, idk. Any comments and niceness would be appreciated because I'm alone and scared and in too much pain and it's too much!!!
I am in overwhelming pain. My chronic intractable pain has been so much worse lately. Probably at least partially due to stress because everything is fucked. I can't afford my next pain medicine refill, and I'm nearly out, and the friend that disappeared usually helps me cover it. I'm disabled and can't work and have literally no money. So I'm just fucked. Even WITH the meds, I've been struggling to handle the pain and it's scary. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to survive without any kind of pain control. Not to mention the withdrawal. I am scared. I am scared I am going to get overstimulated and overwhelmed from the pain that I go all stereotypical autistic meltdown and shutdown and bash my fists into my head and hurt myself, and I feel ashamed and weak that I can't just deal with it like a normal person. I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed and in pain and anxious I'm dealing with dissociation, depersonalization, derealization way more often than usual. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know. I'm fucking scared, I can't take this pain. I'm sorry for whining and being weak especially when so many have it so much worse than me. I don't even know if this makes sense. I can't think 'cause I'm in too much fucking pain!!!! I am scared and I am so fucked AAAAAAAAAAAA.
do you have a gofundme or way people can send you funds, have you considered posting on mutual aid communities?
It's not weak or abnormal to feel overwhelmed in these conditions, give yourself grace and stay pragmatic if you can - when overwhelmed, I sometimes just try to think of what next pragmatic step I can take. Often times the despair leaks in when I feel there is nothing I can do, and staying focused on a task that takes me in the right direction often helps me cope by distracting me from the despair (and sometimes restoring a sense of agency).
Thank you so much... I really appreciate it more than I can express and I wish I could. I'm trying so hard to give myself grace. Thank you.
I don't have a gofundme, but I do have cashapp and paypal and I think I have a venmo. I haven't posted on mutual aid communities, but I guess I probably should, since I don't know what else to do...but I just feel so bad asking or taking money and I feel like I don't deserve it and so many people have it worse than me, ya know? I feel like a jerk. And I don't know what I'd say in a post. I struggle really hard to communicate.
Do you know of any good mutual aid communities? I'll have to try to search again later. My brain is not cooperating and the search isn't great.
I guess if anyone sees this and wants to help: my CashApp is $izzi6, my PayPal is izzisixx @ rocketmail . com, my Venmo is @egdirbretla. But please don't feel obligated to!! No one owes me anything!!