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I cheated. Wife forgave me. How to reearn trust?
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this post was submitted on 02 May 2025
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So, my partner of 5 years cheated on me when I was away to see friends, we had an argument just before I left, I was exhausted and my friend offered for me to come stay with them, they could clearly see I was suffering. I just needed some space from the situation and to see some friends.
I was only away for 3 days and made sure I would return the day before our anniversary.
She went out the night before I came home, went to a bar and got picked up, took them back to our place and fucked.
I only found out because I had a weird feeling about something I couldn't put my finger on. I checked her laptop and her whatsapp through there. There was archived messages showing she messaged the guy in the morning saying you left your x item of clothing and then also asking "did you finish, I'm wet down there." He said no, but when I confronted her she said they wore a condom. This was a lie as I got a STI that same week. But she still claims they did.
I went to therapy 2 times a week after that, I wanted to make it work. The therapist recommended time apart as she put it, we were codependent and we have a Dad/Daughter dynamic that's imbalanced.
We had 1 month off from each other about 2months after the cheating, I still think I need more time. She keeps on saying she loves me, I don't say it back. She says she's grown since the time apart but she hasn't.
How can someone love me when the actions don't match? I can see clearly since we had the break and got back together the full lack of empathy she has for me.
She's manipulated me, taken financial advantage of me and worst of all made me feel depressed and suicidal for the first time in my life.
Honestly I don't think I can continue but I can't stop feeling responsible for her. Fuck my life.
First, I'm sorry you had to experience this - it's one of the lowest lows available, and while I may wax poetic about getting on the other side of stuff like this, that doesn't make it a less shitty place to be.
If you need more time, take that time and do so without any sense of guilt. A month really isn't that long. I do think it would be worth having a thorough discussion about that, ideally in a safe space like a counselor's office. The question that I would want to ask is "When you say that you have grown, what exactly do you mean? I don't see what you are talking about when you say that." Talk about what you're seeing re: her actions at this stage, and how that meshes up with her saying she has grown and is doing the self-work she needs to do. Think about what actions you need to see to continue with this, and tell her explicitly. Ask her anything else you feel you need to know at this point - personally, if you need more time I'd explicitly say it will not make a difference re: you taking more time, as it may encourage more honesty in the answers.
After having the discussion, taking more time, and revisiting, you may find she's taking actions that you need to see. You may not. You may find she's taking actions, but not enough to actually make you feel like you can continue. You may feel it doesn't actually make a difference to you. If that's the case, it is worth considering what you want out of your life and relationships, and if she actually fits into that. Sometimes the best thing really is to go your separate ways - there's some kinds of growth that's best accomplished as a single person.
Best of luck - if you want to talk more about this or need an ear, please feel free to shoot me a PM. I'm not always quick to respond, but I will respond. One of the most painful things about this experience is how fucking lonely it can be. If you have good friends in meatspace, lean on them, but I also know can be a bit taboo to talk openly about the feelings that come up depending on your friend dynamic.
Hang in there. Together or apart, it can get better. It may take much longer than you'd like, but better nonetheless.
Hey, I can understand this. If you need more time take it, you are fully in the right to take it as long as you need, because even if you feel responsible for her you hvae much mor responsibility for yourself than for anybody else. I think she is a grown up person and did know what she did at that time.