I thought that the will to act, the steps taken to face the issue, would somehow support the combat against my addiction.
It does not.
Since I took that appointment at the addiction clinic, since I had my first meeting with a very sweet nurse who was 1000% more receptive and convincing than the former "mental health professionals" I've consulted with, I had hoped confronting my issues & deciding to address them would be a first step into helping myself. A first step into reducing, even if minimally, my daily intake. Or make me at ease with the concept of living without a bottle hidden in my rucksack.
It does not.
I'm more stressed out. I'm in constant panic attacks. I'm physically sick if I don't have access to the stuff. And I'm feeling like I drink twice as much. Which I'm probably doing.
I know it's a process, a life-changing one. I know there'll be a grief period; she told me. She told me I'm the only one able to do it. No magic, no technology. Just me.
Just me and that liquid shit.
When I quit drinking 5 years ago it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was my 4th attempt, and I've been sober since.
I felt like crap, I slept like crap, my mental health took a dive (panic attacks galore), but all of that was temporary. It only lasted for the first few weeks to few months though. The cravings lasted much much longer.
I knew I couldn't drink in moderation, I knew I couldn't ease my way down, I had tried those before. I had to quit cold turkey, and I did.
I had to get all the alcohol out of my apartment because having it there available to me was like a siren's song. Calling me to smash my life upon the rocks with just one more drink.
I couldn't be around alcohol for months because my hands would start shaking when I'd start smelling it because I would start craving it so bad.
It was closer to the one year mark than I'd like to admit when I had the "pleasure" of cleaning up a massive spill of alcohol at work (I work in the freight industry) and I knew that I could stay sober and that I'd made it past the worst of it. I knew that because when the smell hit me I didn't have to fight the urge to suck it out of the floor boards.
My mental health since then has gotten way better, I'm actually able to deal with my PTSD and my ADHD.
Stick to it friend, it will be hard, you will feel like you can't do it at times, but stick to it. You have the strength. You just have to believe in yourself.
Thanks for this. I can relate to a lot of it, like knowing that if I fail, it's my first attempt and is part of the process of quitting. I'm going to get help, I'm going to take my medication as prescribed, I'm going to open up to my friends circle since I know they'll support me 100%
Thanks again for sharing your experience. Tbh, I absolutely dread the cravings, I'm terrified of the next few months.