An analogy: knowing that I'm transgender and unable to transition due to my career is like water dripping into a cup, there's a few drops in there already, enough to cover the bottom, enough to go "well, there's definitely something in there" but sometimes random waves of dysphoria come and drip more into the cup. The tap is usually dripping, sometimes it doesn't drio, but usually it does. Eventually, that cup fills all the way up, and it starts overflowing, that's when it becomes too much to ignore, and it's sitting right there in front of you demanding you to do something. Sometimes you can dump some water out, sometimes you can nearly empty the cup, but there's always some drops left in it.

I think I need to get back in touch with my doctors, but the US is a hostile place and I'm stuck in a progressive industry surrounded by right wing chuds. My company has a strong DEI policy, but it's still a tricky position to be in knowing that even in the early days I'll still have to change in a locker room with co-workers and breast growth/shaven legs are hard to hide. I'm considering just going with compression tanktop and a compression sports bra with cooling base layer pants in the summer. Idk, being a thirty year old technician on an offshore rig while dealing with all of this is intimidating.